


Stripes

by Tabbynerdicat



Series: Stripesverse [13]
Category: Video Blogging RPF, Who Killed Markiplier? (Web Series), jacksepticeye, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Scars, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, gay demons - Freeform, slight murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 10:11:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21408481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabbynerdicat/pseuds/Tabbynerdicat
Summary: A three-part saga in which Anti comes to realise that the stripes on his skin don't really need to define him at all. Feat. pure zombie child, concerned family members, and a broken man who steps up to give Anti the love he truly needs.
Relationships: Darkiplier/Antisepticeye, Other Minor Relationships
Series: Stripesverse [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1598143
Comments: 6
Kudos: 136





	1. Chapter 1

"Anti?" Robbie asked, knocking gently on his older brother's door. "You... in there?"

A scuffle. Something heavy hit the ground, and muffled curses carried to Robbie's ears, and he had barely even a moment to think about what he'd heard before the door was being thrown open. Anti seemed out of breath when he answered, wearing a light grey sweater that looked like he'd hastily wrestled it on- his hair was askew, his eyes rimmed red. He looked as though, impossibly, he'd been crying.

_I've never seen Anti cry before..._

"Yeah...?" Anti huffed softly, not having it in him to snap at Robbie. Though Robbie knew if anyone else had come to the door, they'd have been insulted or told to leave...

The zombie frowned at him, taking in his distressed and dishevelled appearance with a measure of worry. "You... okay? You're... crying..."

"'M not," Anti denied, wiping furiously at his eyes with his sweater sleeve, trying to pretend it was all okay. But... it wasn't all okay, was it? How could it be okay, when Anti looked like he was suffering so much?

"'M just... tired..."

Robbie's eyes narrowed a little as he reached out, brushing his hand against Anti's wrist- he didn't expect the other ego to flinch away from his hold. There was fear, hurt, _terror _in Anti's eyes- Robbie didn't understand why.

What had he done to make Anti so afraid of his touch?

"... Striped." Robbie murmured, gesturing to Anti's sleeve. "Like... mine."

"O-oh..." Anti uttered breathlessly, seeming a little taken-aback at Robbie's words. What else had he expected him to say? The stripes were jagged, blotchy, uneven- but stripes all the same. They were unmistakable. "I..."

Robbie reached out again, running his hand along the warm fabric of Anti's sweater- and this time, Anti didn't recoil. He held Anti's wrist, feeling the other ego trembling against him- but surely he knew Robbie wasn't going to hurt him. Robbie would _never_ hurt him.

"Red... pretty."

"It's not pretty, Robbie,"

Milky white met bright green, confusion and regret combining as Anti's eyes ran hot, wet tears down his cheeks. He didn't seem happy. He seemed...

"Why do... you wear... then?" Robbie sounded out, blinking curiously up at him, concerned at the sadness in Anti's bright green eyes. "If it's not... pretty... Why wear... it?"

Anti choked as if something was stuck in his throat, using his other sleeve to wipe the rest of his tears away. No stripes. No pattern. That was odd, wasn't it?

The red coloured fabric in Robbie's hands grew darker still.

"I d-don't know..." Anti sniffed, closing his eyes and letting out a quiet sob, trying his best not to crack. "I'm s-sorry... I'm s-so _sorry_..."

"Why... sorry?" Robbie frowned, reaching up and wiping away Anti's heavy tears. "Just... stripes. Like mine."

"No- no, Robbie, y-you don't... th-these are _bad_ stripes. You never make these, do you understand? _Never_ these stripes..."

Anti shakily reached out to run a finger along Robbie's sleeved forearm, feeling the zombie shiver at his warm touch.

Anti smiled grimly through the tears, shuddering out a few breaths before mustering the will to speak again. Why was this so hard for him? Was he sick? Was he coming down with something?

"Only th-these stripes, Robbie... o-okay?"

"But..."

"_Promise me_."

Robbie blinked in confusion and slight fear as Anti's voice grew deadly serious, staring warily into his older sibling's saddened eyes.

"I... don't... understand..."

Anti let out something between a sigh and a shiver as he laughed softly to himself, wiping his eyes again. His appearance seemed to glitch a little- but Anti wasn't angry. The ruptures in the world around them were subtle, little shifts in hue and texture, rippling in and out of focus. Anti wasn't angry, but... why else would he be glitching like this? Robbie had never seen anything like it before.

"Did I... do something... wrong?" Robbie asked him worriedly, ready to apologise for whatever he'd said to make Anti so upset. But Anti shook his head adamantly, as if the very idea of Robbie taking responsibility for this was ludicrous.

"N-no... you're f-fine, Robbie, it's fine... I just don't w-want this to happen to you. You... you're sweet and innocent, and I... I'm _broken_. I h-have... problems. I can't f-fix them."

"Doctor... fix?" Robbie asked, wondering if this was something that Henrik could help with. "Can... ask-"

"_No_," Anti refused, suddenly seeming... afraid? Again? Why did Anti think he was so broken, just because of the mismatched stripes on his jumper sleeve? Did that mean that Robbie was broken, too? How could he be? Robbie didn't think either of them was broken...

He groaned under his breath in frustration, wanting to tear out his hair... this was all so _confusing_. It didn't make sense. Stripes were no reason to hide away. Stripes were no reason to be upset. It had to go deeper than stripes, didn't it?

"No..." Anti muttered again, blinking away more tears. "I-I can't... he doesn't know. They d-don't _know_... they'd l-laugh at me."

"No." Robbie denied, shaking his head- how could Anti think that they'd do such a thing? None of them would laugh if they saw how upset Anti was. How often did he feel like this? He only ever seemed angry, or happy, or annoyed... maybe the others had never seen him sad before, too.

Wasn't it time to show them that Anti had feelings, too?

"They won't... laugh. You're... sad. They... would help..."

"They _wouldn't_-"

"I... want to... help." Robbie pouted, staring into Anti's reddened eyes. "_Please..._ only... good stripes... Not bad..."

"You're t-too _nice_ for your own good, you know?" Anti whispered, jolting in place when Robbie brought him into a hug. He squeezed Anti as tightly as he could, feeling his own shirt growing damp with Anti's endless tears. Warm, thick and heavy... Anti sobbed into his shoulder, his resolve finally crumbling, wrapping his own arms around Robbie's torso.

Anti needed help, that was clear to him. He was sad- so sad he was _crying_, and he didn't want anyone to see it. He didn't want anyone to see his stripes. He didn't want the others to know he could get hurt...

But Robbie knew that he needed help, at any cost. Even if the cost was his pride...

"Doctor." Robbie murmured, pulling back from Anti slowly. "See... Henrik. He... will help. Make... bad stripes... go away."

Anti let out a breathless chuckle, sniffing as he ruffled Robbie's hair. "You th-think so?"

Robbie smiled reassuringly, linking their hands together. It was only then that he noticed the crimson beading on Anti's fingertips, streaming from beneath his sweater sleeves...

"I... know so."


	2. Chapter 2

"Happy two months clean, Anti."

He opened his dim green eyes warily, not even having noticed he was nodding off to sleep until Henrik had spoken. His hair was limp and dirty, his shirt creased, lint collecting on his ripped skinny jeans... And his arms were free for the first time in what must have been weeks.

_Had it been that long?_

The scars hadn't healed, hadn't faded away... in fact, Anti could have sworn they'd grown redder. Angrier. _Taunting him_. Begging him to rip into his skin once more and deepen them, to feel the painful high he'd been craving for so long now...

_No, it hadn't..._

Anti hadn't mentioned his relapse to the doctor. He hadn't told anyone about what had happened just a few weeks ago, running to the bathroom in a frenzied haze and swiping his wrist across the hard edge of a broken tile just so that he could _feel_ something again. He hadn't told anyone about how he'd sat there for several minutes, staring at the crimson leaking from the rough cut on his skin, how _conflicted _he'd felt. How pathetic, and horrible, and _thrilling_ it all was.

How much _better_ it was.

He hadn't told anyone about how Chase had found him lying in a pool of his own blood, staring up at the ceiling blankly, with hardly any life left to save. They hadn't spoken about it since, but Anti _knew_ Chase was upset- it was in his grief-wracked sobs as he helped Anti sit upright, the bandages he'd used to wrap the lone wound, the regret in his eyes when Anti had begged him feebly not to call Henrik, and Chase had listened to his request.

_What if he hadn't listened?_

"Happy three months, dude."

December had come and gone, and it was mid-January, and Anti had never been so grateful for the arrival of sweater season. He went out and milled with the others, catching the falling snow, watching Marvin and Jackie as they attempted to ice skate with all the grace of a blind rhinoceros. He laughed at their blunders. He applauded their successes.

He hid the bloodied lines he'd carved into his forearm that morning as if nothing was wrong.

And he smiled weakly at Chase, because he _knew_ the other man meant well. He didn't want Anti to suffer, and Anti felt guilty for letting his kindness go to waste, but at the same time he felt so empty and numb that the days now seemed to pass by without him. Was he really even there at all?

The pain helped him feel _real_.

The blood that pooled at his feet when he disassembled a shaving razor in the shower that night was enough to shock him out of the dullness of his dizzy mind. It was a beautifully terrible sight, but it was _haunting_. It smelled of pain and fear and regret, and Anti _hated_ that he loved it so much. He couldn't live without it, could he? Did that make him weak?

Was he weaker still for succumbing to the twisted thoughts he couldn't shut out if he tried?

Jameson had seen him dispose of the broken razor the next day, Anti's hands shaking as he dropped the pieces into the trash can, looking so much _paler _than usual. He kept his winter sweater up to his wrists, even long after February had passed. It was enough to make anyone worry- and soon, Anti knew he had to put the heavy clothes away.

Trying to hide this was killing him, wasn't it?

_Why can't I stop doing this?_

Jameson cornered him in late March, on the first day Anti hadn't worn something to cover his healing arms- and he was positively _beaming_ when he found no trace of recently broken skin. It made Anti feel sick to his stomach, but he smiled through the pain, his eyes being the only thing betraying how low he truly felt. Dim, faded green... hadn't they been bright, once?

_'I'm so proud of you, A-N-T-I. Amazing progress!'_

Anti didn't have the heart to tell him that if he rolled down his jeans, his milky white thighs would be covered in fresh marks, each one a tally of the times he'd craved violence so deeply he chose to inflict it on himself.

He just nodded. It was easier than facing the truth, wasn't it? Easier than trying to explain the reasoning he hadn't yet discovered for his actions...

In June, they started to notice.

They noticed the way he was secluding himself, passing on activities he'd used to love, staying inside and flinching when he was touched.

Anti told them his interests had just changed, but they didn't buy it. Of _course_ they didn't buy it.

They noticed his reluctance to wear shorts, or go swimming- it was one of the warmest days of the year and everyone was lounging by the pool. Everyone but Anti, of course...

How could he let them see the cuts that now covered him down to his ankles?

_They wouldn't understand._

He started wearing new jeans- ones without holes, so that the angry red scars on his legs couldn't be seen. He wore cardigans he crocheted from a dirty brown wool, picking the colour specifically to hide the fading streaks on his arms. The bags around his eyes grew darker still, and he supposed he was foolish to believe that his brothers wouldn't notice them.

He lied when they asked him about them. He told them that he'd been up all night talking to Dark, even though he hadn't even seen the other entity in what must have been months. And most of them swallowed it up- _most_ of them had been convinced.

But Henrik knew better.

"Dark is worried about you, Anti." Henrik muttered to him in late July, having brought everyone to the park for a day out of the house. Anti hadn't been out in the sun in months, and it _showed_. He _hated_ that it showed. He was a little more blind than before, he was pale and green, and the sleeves of his oversized shirt were covering much too much of his skin. Henrik had tried to pull them back, possibly to fulfill his curiosity- Anti knew he suspected that the glitch was hardly as clean as everyone believed.

_Anti knew he was right._

But there was nothing there. Old scars, yes, but faded and thin. Nothing new.

Henrik had sighed not-so-subtly in relief, and the sound brought shivers down Anti's spine.

"Of course, I had mentioned to him that you were making a good recovery, but... he misses you, Anti. I know it is not him you are devoting your time to, so you do not have to lie to me. What has really been keeping you up so late?"

It was clear that he'd panicked. His head felt light, his vision swimming- he wasn't sure whether it was the heat or the blood loss he'd suffered when he made nicks at his stomach, jabbing at his skin over and over with a pair of blunt scissors because it was the only place he hadn't yet scarred.

"I've been..." Anti started, trying desperately to think of something plausible enough to convince Henrik to stop thinking too hard into it. "I'm... seeing someone. A girl. We didn't want to tell you in case it wasn't that serious."

He'd ruined everything, hadn't he? There was no way Henrik could look him in the eye and tell him he believed that load of shit- Anti hadn't even left the house since June, and it had been literal _years _since he'd even spoken to a woman.

But somehow, Anti's rushed explanation didn't set off any warning bells for Henrik. In fact, he seemed happy- _overjoyed_, just at the thought of Anti finding someone to love.

It made the truth so much harder to bear. Henrik truly believed Anti was good enough to keep someone for more than a one-night stand? He hadn't even had any of those, not in a _long_ while. He hadn't even been interested in sex, for a long while... was that normal?

_Nothing about this is normal._

But then, when had Anti ever been normal?

"That is wonderful news!" Henrik gushed, forgetting any concern he might have still held for Anti's health. "Why couldn't you just tell us that? Oh, Anti, we've all been worried _sick_ about you... what is her name? Can we meet her?"

_This can only end in tears._

"Rose." Anti muttered after barely a moment's hesitation, drawing the name quickly from the rose bushes that lay dotted around the park. "And... no, not yet. I don't want to freak her out, y'know, she... she's a new development."

_I'll regret this._

Anti knew he would. They'd ask him questions, they'd pester him about meeting her, they'd soon start to realise that she didn't exist at all... but it had been said, and Henrik believed it, and with a few short explanations Anti had made up a fake commitment and walked himself home alone.

On his way, he started to cry- but he wasn't sad. He didn't even know if he could _feel_ sad anymore. Wasn't that concerning? Perhaps it should have been, but Anti was too far gone. Too far down the path of self-loathing and denial, and-

_How did this happen?_

He'd been eleven months clean. _Eleven months_ spent avoiding the fight, the struggle, the violent tendencies he'd tried so hard to erase. Eleven months, _wasted_, wasted like the blood streaming endlessly from the fresh corpse in front of him. He didn't know the man. He'd hardly even looked at his victim before he'd shoved them to the ground, picked up a broken glass bottle, and ripped out their throat with the jagged edge.

His wide, glassy eyes stared into the nothingness above them as Anti tried to breathe through the nauseating numbness, chest tight and nose tingling with the inescapable stench of blood surrounding him. He was covered in it, wasn't he? His hands, his face, his clothes... his victim's throat had sprayed for minutes, dousing him in litres upon litres of filthy crimson waves.

_It's not enough._

It was disconcerting to feel the fluid drowning him, coating him from the outside- he hadn't wanted to murder someone, had he? No, what he really wanted was _pain_. Seeing others suffer did _nothing_ for him now, not when he'd felt it firsthand. He _craved_ it.

The pattern that the broken bottle left on his skin could almost be considered art... couldn't it?

"I know you don't have a girlfriend."

Marvin was looking at him strangely- it wasn't a glare, and yet... Anti couldn't help but feel attacked. Didn't he deserve that? Marvin had discovered the truth behind his lies, and it was time to face it... right? If Anti still knew the truth from the falsehoods, he might have thought so. But Anti didn't do much thinking, nowadays. It was... _dangerous_.

"Or a boyfriend, before you try to pull that one over me." Marvin continued, stare as intense as ever. "Nobody in a healthy relationship looks like they'd rather off themselves than leave their room. You're cutting again, aren't you?"

Anti had known it was coming, and yet... he hadn't expected it to be so confronting. So _simplified_. The last ten months had been torture, hadn't they? Chaotic thoughts and urges he'd tried so hard to suppress, guilt for not committing to a clean slate, such exhilarating _pain_ that came from his self-mutilation... was it all so crude? Was it all for naught?

Were the tears he was crying a sign of the weakness he'd imposed upon himself in lieu of burdening it on others?

_You could have stopped this._

What, really, did he even have to cry about?

The tears kept coming.

"I'll take that as a yes..." Marvin sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I... I had no idea it was this bad. How long have you been doing this, Anti? When... when did you give up on helping yourself?"

"... I c-can't do it." Anti whispered, not having noticed how hoarse and dry his voice had become. When was the last time he'd spoken aloud? "I can't... be p-passive, I... I need to _hurt_ something. I need to hurt s-_someone_, and..."

"So you hurt yourself instead of other people?" Marvin asked, looking absolutely horrified. "I... Anti, I know it might seem noble to you but _this_ isn't healthy-"

"Would you rather me kill s-someone you care about?" Anti shivered, glaring at Marvin. How could he understand? Anti was a fool for thinking for even a _moment_ that Marvin would understand his actions, because none of them understood. _None_ of them ever asked why he hurt himself, not even the doctor when he'd been patched up the very first night he'd been caught.

Was it possible that they didn't care to know? That they were only consoling him because they thought themselves to be good people, and that was what good people would do? Nausea gripped at Anti's weakened stomach and he sobbed despite himself, catching the closest object to avoid falling to the ground.

Marvin didn't flinch away when Anti grabbed his shoulder, looking as though he was about to faint. This was bad- _very_ bad. None of the others even suspected that Anti was ill, let alone...

"You d-don't understand..." Anti whispered, voice meek and small. "It... It's maddening. It tingles, a-and... and it itches, and my skin... I _need_ to hurt. I need it... I c-can't go back to killing, I _can't_..."

"You're not well, Anti." Marvin muttered, helping Anti to his feet again. "When was the last time you slept?"

Anti couldn't tell him if he tried.

"I know it doesn't seem like there's another way, but... just, look."

Anti wasn't expecting Marvin to tug up his own sleeve, pressing his arm against Anti's and comparing them. Anti knew that Marvin wasn't like him. The scars on Marvin's pale skin weren't jagged and deep, but surface-level and blotchy, shining pink in the dim light. Magic scars. Scars caused by spells that recoiled, or potions that exploded, or magic that was much too powerful for the novice magician to handle.

It wasn't the same.

"I've s-seen your scars..." Anti muttered, though he couldn't stop himself from gazing at them again. "You don't h-hide them... they're different."

"They're not that different at all." Marvin refused, shaking his head. "I know, I don't take a knife to myself, but... that doesn't mean these marks are accidental. I _crave_ the power, Anti. It's addictive and dangerous, and I... I never take the right precautions. These scars? They all happened because I wanted to wield more magic than I was prepared to face on my own. I put my desires above my health, and I know _better _now. It took me years, but... please, Anti. I might not completely understand what you're going through, but I want to help. I hate seeing you so overwhelmed all the time."

_Since when did Marvin care so much?_

He shuddered.

"I'm not worth helping..."

Later that night, after he'd shaken Marvin away, Anti screamed. He screamed so loudly that he woke the entire household, but nobody was going to judge him for it. They were worried, _all _of them- even the ones that had used to jeer and scoff at him. But he couldn't see that. He couldn't see at all...

Deep gouges marred his cheeks, his forehead, his jaw. There was blood, so much _blood_, and he should have loved it. It was horrible. It was _sick_. It was a rush that clashed terribly with his sinking feeling of guilt, tearing up his insides as he tore at his outsides. The bed was drenched in red, the carpet pooling with blood- Anti never noticed the shrieks of alarm that his brothers made when they wrenched open his door.

The room was musty. The air was thick with the stench of iron, the bed was unmade and the sheets crumpled, and Anti...

"Scheiße!" Henrik cursed, running to his brother's side, fear making his stomach turn over as the bloodied lines on Anti's face ran deeper.

"Holy _fuck_, he..." Jackie trailed off, looking a little queasy at the sight of Anti's bloodied body. "Is... Is he-?"

"I've got him." Marvin hissed, shoving his way through the gathering crowd, muttering the incantation for some kind of spell under his breath. Anti's head lolled forward, and Jackie caught him- but he couldn't feel Anti's pulse at all. The blood continued to ebb, streaming down his body.

_No..._

"F-fix him!" Robbie cried out, tears leaking endlessly from his eyes. "Fix... bad stripes, _bad_ stripes..."

"I thought he was clean..." Chase muttered, looking sick as he clutched Robbie's shoulders for support. "I... _fuck_, I should have noticed-"

"Call Dark!" Marvin commanded, not even sure who he was shouting to, panic gripping his heart as he tried to save the man that was once his enemy. "Lay him down- he's losing a lot of blood..."

"Jackie, fetch me the bandages from the first aid kit!"

"I've got it-"

"Dark isn't answering." Chase swallowed, features contorted with a kind of grief that none of them ever thought would be reserved for Anti. "Neither is Bing."

"I'll get him." Jackie decided, grabbing Chase's arm and practically yanking him through the door. "You get the bandages- _hurry_, Chase, he..."

"_Nein_..." Henrik shivered, trying his hardest not to cry. "I... I should have known better, Ich bin ein _doktor_, I..."

"He wouldn't let anyone see it." Marvin muttered, voice barely betraying the lump in his throat. "It isn't your f-fault, Hen, he... he was suffering in silence. He thought we wouldn't understand why he was doing this. He needs to hurt people, Henrik- he doesn't know how to cope without violence. He wanted to change, but... I don't think he can."

Henrik's expression only saddened further, looking more than a little heartbroken at the very idea of Anti's mind being so twisted. "He... All of this was him _coping_? Mein Gott, I... we should never have tried to change him. If _this_ is what he does when he is trying to be sane, he..."

The doctor was at a loss for words. Anti was lying there, unconscious, his last screams having died in his throat. He was breathing, but just barely- he was so small and weak and _frail_... He'd lost a lot of blood.

_Just how often had he come so close to death?_

"We'll save him." Marvin promised, glancing solemnly at the broken figure of his brother. "And we'll help him. Whether he wants it or not."

_Anti hardly knew what he wanted... did he?_

Dark seemed as stoic as ever when he arrived, tracing his hand solemnly across the deep gouges that still remained on Anti's face. Stitched up with a black thread that looked so out of place on Anti's sallow skin, marking him as some kind of _monster_... He'd been lucky he didn't cut too far- lucky that his eyes were still intact, so _lucky_... Dark knew quite well that some wounds would never heal.

"Leave us." Dark requested, knowing that he couldn't speak his mind while the others were still in the room. "Please..."

It wasn't often that Dark pleaded.

"Anti, dear..." Dark murmured when he was sure they were alone. "How could I have let this happen to you...? All this pain, this suffering... you deserved so much more. I should have been there for you, I should have _guided_ you... I don't know if I could forgive myself for choosing my cause over you. So distracted by my vengeance that I couldn't see... you needed me, and I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry, dear, so _sorry_..."

Anti didn't respond. Marvin had sedated him heavily, sending him into a sleep so deep that his heartbeat had slowed to a near stop. He was breathing, he was _alive_, but... it wasn't enough. Dark wanted him to thrive. How could he do so, when he was tied down by his traumatic past?

"I want to love you, so much..." Dark whispered. "Regardless of whether you feel the same or not, I... I won't make this mistake again. I promise, Anti, I'm going to _be there_ when you fall. I'm going to catch you. I don't care what I'd need to sacrifice for it..."

_Will you follow me to the ends of the Earth?_

Anti wasn't quite awake, but... he knew he couldn't be dreaming. He hadn't dreamt in a long while- he couldn't even remember the last time he'd had a restful sleep. He was tired, sore, _stale_... there was a bad taste in his mouth. The room was filled with the inescapable stench of blood...

"I'll do everything in my power to make sure this doesn't happen again..." Dark murmured, brushing Anti's blood-matted hair out of his face. "I _swear _it... I can't love you while my presence is torn, Anti. But for now, I just need you to feel safe, and happy, and _wanted_... I want you, dear. We all do."

Dark knew he was rambling. He knew that the others were probably listening in, that bearing his heart on his sleeve like this could very well end in disaster. And yet... part of him didn't care. Why should he be ashamed of admitting that he truly cared about Anti's health and happiness?

_I'm not ashamed._

"... Dark..."

Anti's eyes opened sluggishly, full to the brim with glassy tears. His stitches pulled when he spoke, shooting sharp _pain _through his cheek- and he felt himself shiver when Dark pressed his hand to the site of the wound.

"_Shh_, dear, don't speak..." Dark hushed, smiling despite himself as he watched Anti's eyes glow just a little brighter. "Don't strain yourself- you need to rest so you can heal..."

"... I know." Anti responded, barely moving his lips, though he still looked as though he was in pain. "I... I'm tired. I wan'... sleep. But..."

He was loopy, wasn't he? He hadn't spoken so freely in months, hadn't felt this _comfortable_ in months... what had they done to him? Injected him with something? Cast some kind of curse on him, forcing him to be complacent?

_Or... did I just forget how it feels to be free?_

He shivered in place, every inch of his skin feeling as though it had been tossed through a shredder and sewn back into place. He focused instead on Dark- his cool touch, his breathing...

_Maybe this is even better than pain._

"I... I want to love you, too..." Anti admitted, blinking slowly up at the man above him. "I... don't think I can, but... if it was anyone, it... it would be you. It's always been you..."

Dark made the pain go away. Anti should loathe that about him- he should feel threatened, or hurt... but the truth was that Dark brought him another kind of emotion instead. One just as destructive, but also... lighter. Calmer. Warmer...

_Is this what love feels like?_

"First, I feel... you need to learn how to love yourself." Dark replied at last, looking as though Anti's confession had shaken him to the very core. "But after that... one day, Anti. One day, I promise... I'll love you. I _will_."

Anti let out a painful chuckle, his cheek splitting a little further- but the pain was only a distant memory, now. Or perhaps, thinking about a future with someone who could understand him brought enough happiness to drown out the sadness. Happiness... how long had it been since he was truly happy?

_It doesn't matter, now._

"I'll love you one day, too..."


	3. Chapter 3

**"Look, Wilford… I know it doesn't seem like I have the situation under control, but ** ** _trust me_ ** **. Everything is going according to plan."**

Dark folded his hands on the table, giving his old friend a look of authority. The others were quieter than usual- Bim was absent, as was Ed. Silver had stopped coming to their pitch meetings months ago- the poor ego simply didn't feel like he was being useful, and so his seat had been taken by Yan. Yan… well, he didn't really do much for the meetings, but he was rather good at designing sets and costumes for Wilford's extravagant video ideas. The ones that Dark ended up approving of, anyway...

Right now the red haired ego was sitting back in his chair, smiling, clearly texting someone underneath the table. Nobody cared enough to call him out for it- that, or they were scared they'd end up on the wrong end of a katana if they tried. Either way, he was hardly a bother. Dark could tolerate a little laziness as long as it didn't impede their overall progress too much, and anything that kept Yan's magician boyfriend happy and out of Anti's hair was alright in his books.

"Oh, Bully!" Wilford huffed, folding his arms indignantly. "Dark, listen to yourself! The fanbase is out of control, admiring him, sucking up to his _backstabbing_ little bitch _ass_\- I don't know why you won't let me shoot the old sot dead and be done with it all…"

**"It must have escaped your notice, but that method has been tried and ****_proven_**** unreliable."** Dark muttered distastefully, shaking his head. **"He is practically immortal…"**

"Well, even immortals can get sick." Edward offered, sitting forward. "Henrik and I could culture something particularly nasty for him- heaven knows we have enough access to bacteria back at the hospital. He wouldn't fare so well against a bad case of pneumonia or anthrax, would he?"

**"For the sake of your career, I will pretend you didn't say that."** Dark sighed. **"Mark has access to the best doctors in the world right now- the only way to make him suffer is to-"**

"I b-believe that-at the best way-ay to take Mark down is-is to sabotage a-all of his assets."

"Google, you need to run an antivirus, _please_." King groaned, holding his hands to his ears. "I can't stand that goddamn glitching..."

**"The android has a point."** Dark agreed, nodding in Google's direction. **"But… yes, I do agree with King. Your incoherent stuttering must be addressed by the time we next meet, am I understood?"**

Google merely rolled his eyes, sitting back in his chair. He didn't say another word, though everyone knew it wasn't out of obedience. Google had his own agenda for doing things- he was simply along for the ride, and tended to follow his own rules. He would have his own reasons for shutting up- but Dark didn't care enough to question it.

"You could let me out again- I could cause some havoc in the fandom-"

"Septiplier, _no_, we've discussed this." Edward interrupted, staring pointedly at the amalgamation that had taken up Ed's empty chair for the day. "You don't impact his media image, you just annoy him- and we don't need to bring Seán into this mess as well."

**"Quiet, please, all of you!"** Dark grunted, voice reverberating around the room. **"We must stick to the original plan- we cannot allow ourselves to become sidetracked again. Time is running out- we have to keep their attention, and the best way to do that is to-"**

"... Dark?"

The gathered Ipliers turned their heads to the door at the sudden intrusion, though none of them really seemed surprised to see the man who'd come to visit. The last to look up was Yan, who smiled passively at the newcomer, slipping away his phone in order to send him a little wave. Despite not really having friends, Yan did have a certain soft spot for his fellow blade-loving psychopath.

"Hey, Anti."

Anti smiled as best he could in return, though everyone could tell that something was off. Nobody had quite determined the reason, but it was hardly the first time Anti had walked in uninvited to a pitch meeting. Sometimes he was in tears. Sometimes he only looked a little antsy. But every time he entered, he always took someone away with him.

Dark.

**"Meeting adjourned."** Dark stated, rising from his seat as soon as he caught Anti's pleading gaze. **"I expect you all to be on time and prepared to settle this dispute next Tuesday."**

"But Dark-"

**"Not. Another. Word."**

Wilford huffed as he watched Dark leave, hand wrapped tenderly around Anti's waist, probably hoping to be discrete- the old _fool… _Everyone could tell what was going on. What was the point in trying to keep it a secret?

"I still think they're fucking." King voiced, looking at the pair as they ventured out of sight, disappearing into another room down the hall. A lock clicked into place behind them.

"Most likely," Google agreed, "Their behaviour-iour seems to suggest that-at they are sexually involved."

"I don't know…" Edward sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Anti doesn't really seem like he's interested in things like that anymore. It's common for people suffering from depression to have a decrease in sexual desire."

"They're not." Yan shrugged knowingly. "Marv overheard him talking to Chase- poor guy hasn't gotten any in years. Can't relate."

"Well, with the way Dark acts, I can tell _he's _been sleeping alone." Wilford scoffed, folding his arms. "The lad never was able to hide his limp, back when he was playing the fields… Would do him some good to let go once in a while. He could probably use something bigger than a stick up his-"

"_Wilford_." Edward interceded, glaring at the mustached man. "I'm sure Dark wouldn't appreciate us being so caught up on his sex life. It's probably best if we pretend this never happened, and don't bring it up to him…"

"Why not?" King asked, seemingly confused. "You think he'd get mad?"

"I think he'd get _scared_." Edward corrected, standing up and tucking in his chair. "That, or defensive… it's really not our business what he chooses to do with Anti. I know I wouldn't like it if you all speculated about Henrik and I behind my back…"

"The Host pointed out that the doctor leaves no room for speculation when he arrives late to the meetings with hickeys down his neck."

Edward clapped Host on the shoulder, taking pleasure in the way the other ego flinched at his touch. "You're not too subtle yourself, Hostie- Dark might not be walking with a limp, but I know a _certain _zombie who can't seem to stand after spending the night with you."

Host, despite the blush creeping over his cheeks, simply smiled. "The Host has no idea what the doctor is talking about."

"Does… does that count as necrophilia?"

"The topical debate-ate of whether or not-"

"_Yes_, King, that's straight up corpse fucking." Edward interrupted, cutting Google off before he could consult whatever strange websites had intel on the subject. "But it's not the weirdest thing any of us have done, so I'll let it slide. I'm sure Robbie doesn't actually have any diseases, and if he _did_, you'd use protection. Right Host?"

Host buried his head in his folded arms, sighing heavily in embarrassment. "The Host refuses to answer the question, and would _very _much like to take his leave..."

"Dear God, it's like you _want_ to get ill." Edward sighed, resting his head in his hands.

"Regardless of who's fucking who, I need to get going." Yan stated, rolling his shoulders as he got to his feet. "I've got a date, and I might get a little _assertive_ if one of you makes me late for it…"

"Well, that was a threat…" King huffed, standing from his seat as well. "I'd best be leaving, anyway. I guess I'll see you guys next Tuesday..."

"I've got to get back to the hospital." Edward agreed, shooting Wilford one more look of apprehension. "_Please_ don't push them, Wilford. Let them figure this out on their own."

Wilford rolled his eyes as he watched the others shuffle out of the conference room, sitting back in his chair. Usually he and Dark would loiter behind after everyone had left, have a simple chat- just like the good old days. But Dark had _changed_, recently. Wilford would have been jealous of Anti if he hadn't known that this change had definitely been for the better…

"Oh, Damien…" Wilford sighed, resting a hand over his eyes. "You don't even realise what you have, do you…? Good to know that after all these years, you're still a _moron_. I was beginning to worry you'd gone too far to be saved, but then…"

Dark had been cold, before. Reluctant to listen to him, annoyed by his presence, set on some convoluted goal to defame the Actor before they destroyed him. Wilford had tried again and again to break him out of it- to bring back the man he'd used to know and love, but Dark remained twisted and cruel. Dark didn't want to change. Not until he'd met Anti. And then…

"You two are truly hopeless..." Wilford muttered, not even sure how he'd ended up standing. "If you aren't at least making out in there, I don't know _how _to explain to you what you're missing…"

Damien hadn't ever mentioned it, but Wilford was hardly an idiot. He'd seen the way his friend had acted around them, looking uncomfortable when they brought up dating, dodging questions about his love life as if his world had depended on it. In fact, in those times, perhaps it would have… but Wilford had always known the truth. Perhaps it was because he shared similar thoughts, though he'd only really acted on his feelings towards women. Maybe it was simply because they were close, and kept barely any secrets.

He'd known for longer than he could remember that Damien was attracted to men. And he'd known that the mayor had gotten around quite a lot in his youth, scoping out communities and underground safe places that would allow him to embrace the side of him that society wouldn't hesitate to punish. And on top of that, he was also _painfully_ aware that Damien hadn't slept with anyone since before that fateful night at the manor.

Couldn't he feel the way he lit up when he saw Anti smile? Couldn't he see how happy he'd been lately, because he was spending less time on his silly plot and more on being there for another person? Couldn't he see that it was changing him for the better?

_I wonder if Anti is half as blind as you…_

For their sake, Wilford dearly hoped not.

"I wonder if the old chap remembered to seal the lock…" Wilford muttered to himself as he closed the conference room door, waltzing down the hall and stopping outside the room Dark had taken Anti to. There was nothing particularly exciting in there- it was just a broom closet that Dark had repurposed into storage, and Wilford had only ever found filed paperwork in there. Rather boring, really… But he also knew that being caught up in a special moment with someone could make you excuse your less-than-charming environment. He inched closer…

"... wish it didn't have to be so hard…"

"Come now, Anti, isn't it much better now than it was before? I'd say you're adjusting wonderfully."

"Well… yeah, but… you know what I mean. I just… hate that I have to keep doing this. It's not good…"

"You know I won't let you push yourself past your limits, don't you? I'm here… Trust me, Anti. I only want to help you feel better."

A short, glitchy laugh.

"I know…"

Wilford raised his eyebrows comically, wondering just what those two were up to in there. His hand reached for the doorknob-

"_Ah…_ hold on, dear. It seems we have some unexpected company…"

"Oh, great…"

"He'll leave if he knows what's good for him. **Won't he, Wilford?**"

Wilford let out an unnecessarily loud groan, not even really ashamed of being caught. "If I don't see one of you walking funny after this, I will be _sorely_ disappointed…"

**"That. Will. Do."**

Dark could hear Wilford mocking him as he walked away, sighing as the last of his footsteps faded out. He turned back to Anti, running his fingers over the glitch's knuckles when he noticed how tense the trembling hands were. Anti's already teary eyes started spilling over, and he wiped at them with his sleeve, sighing appreciatively as Dark continued holding his hand.

"I th-think… he got the wrong idea." Anti mumbled, smiling through his obvious anxiety as Wilford's teasing words played back in his head. He wasn't deaf to their little gossip sessions- he was well aware that most of the Ipliers were under the impression that he and Dark used this time to fuck the brains out of each other. It was fun to keep up the act, sometimes. Licking his lips after leaving the room, or pretending he'd just put his shirt back on. He rather enjoyed seeing them grow flustered, _knowing_ that they were jumping to conclusions.

"Would you rather he had the right idea?" Dark questioned in return, gesturing to Anti's knife. "I believe it would be… less troublesome to let them believe their silly rumours. I know quite a few people who'd panic about you if they knew you were cutting again…"

"'M tryin' to stop," Anti justified weakly, "you know that…"

"Of course I do." Dark agreed, smiling reassuringly at his companion. He hadn't meant to strike a nerve. "It was merely an observation, dear… you know I'd never expose something like this without your consent on the matter. Truthfully, I'm relieved that you're letting me share this with you, because… well, it means that I can make sure you don't go too far. I trust you, Anti, I do… but being here to supervise is comforting."

Perhaps it would have been easier to explain if they'd been having an affair.

It had all started one day when Anti was staying with Dark, recovering from his last big attack. His stitches had been removed and his face was healing- slowly but surely. His arms seemed to be clearing, and his legs sported fading scars, and overall he looked a lot better than he had the night he'd broken down. But in the moment, he didn't _feel_ better. He still craved the pain, the blood, the _violence…_ he'd confided in Dark about it, not entirely sure what to expect from him. He didn't want to break down again. But he didn't want to hurt anyone else in his abstinence, either.

Dark, to his credit, seemed to understand. Or maybe that's what he wanted Anti to think? Truthfully, it didn't really matter what his intentions were, because when he'd suggested watching over Anti to make sure he didn't do too much damage to himself, something between them changed. Anti trusted him even before this, sure, but… he'd never trusted _anyone_ with this terrible habit. He'd never trusted anyone to watch him while he mutilated himself, and at first, admittedly, it had been hard. He was scared to cut deep, for fear of upsetting Dark. He was scared, for the first time, because… he didn't know his limits.

He didn't know his limits, and he _needed _someone else to give him limits. He needed someone who knew, and understood, and wouldn't let him fall too far… He needed Dark.

_I've always known that, haven't I?_

It became routine. Anti hadn't expected it to become commonplace, but for the first few weeks, Dark had actually initiated the rounds himself. He didn't want Anti to pressure himself to a breaking point- and Anti supposed that was a logical way to look at it. He was always so much worse when he found himself stressed, or worried… Dark made him tend to this horrible need a lot more than necessary. And… the strangest part about it was that it _worked_.

Anti hadn't broken down. Anti hadn't relapsed, not in _months- _and sure, he was still coping with inflicting cuts and bruises on his skin, but they didn't need to be so deep. They healed easily. And if Dark felt he was losing too much blood, he'd tell Anti to stop and take it out on him instead.

That had only happened twice before. But _damned_ if it wasn't pleasing to see Dark with pretty red stripes across his stomach. Never too deep. Anti didn't think he could do it if he wanted to. Not anymore…

_When did we become so… domestic?_

The answer escaped him.

But today… Anti had a gnawing feeling in his chest, a heaving sensation in his lungs. He'd cried upon entering the building, wondering if this was too much- but _no_, Dark would likely be mad at him if he hadn't called in. After all these months, Anti still didn't particularly enjoy interrupting the meetings to tend to his problem, but… Dark insisted on being there when these things happened.

He could deal with the judging stares of the Ipliers and Septiceyes for Dark's sake. He could deal with the casual teasing, the questions, the jokes made at their expense. He could swallow it all, until…

_"So d'you think… you think part of your cutting problem was sort of a sexual thing?"_

Anti hadn't known what to think when Chase had asked him that, the other day when they'd been sitting on the couch. He vaguely recalled that they'd been watching a terrible comedy, one they'd seen several times over- the house was empty, and the two of them were bored out of their minds. Henrik was working (and most likely going to dinner with Edward after the fact), and Marvin had just gotten home from a big magical gathering- rather like a convention of sorts. He'd been laden with shirts and wands and other magical merchandise, and he'd retired to his room with no promise of returning soon.

Robbie had taken a ride in with Anti to the manor the previous day, and had stayed there overnight. Jameson had gone to the park with Jackieboy that morning, probably to obsess over other people's dogs, seeing as they couldn't have one of their own (Henrik just wouldn't budge, saying it would be a nightmare to take care of a pet when they couldn't even take care of themselves). Chase and Anti had made small talk, chatting about life, their friends, what they'd been up to…

Chase mentioned that he hadn't been able to get in touch with Stacy, and that he was worried about her and the kids. They'd dropped right off the face of the Earth, and… well, nobody had the balls to break it to him again that Jack was the reason for it. Sometimes it was easy to forget that their fates all depended on the storytelling talent of a lone man… But then sometimes, it was all too obvious. Henrik's wife and children hardly even bothered him, after all- Anti wasn't even sure he knew their names.

Anti had told him to go find a one-night stand to take out his frustration on, seeing as Stacy had wanted to leave him anyway. He'd thought there was no harm in finding someone else, even as a temporary fix for the weight of loneliness. After all, he'd never really dabbled with anything more serious than that, and Chase _clearly _wasn't looking for another lasting relationship right now.

But somehow, the conversation had turned. Chase had assumed that Anti was sleeping with Dark, as the others had- and Anti almost considered letting it slide. But… well, Chase had been nothing but honest to him in his past. Didn't he owe that honesty back?

_"Dark and I aren't actually fucking, though… I haven't even thought about sex in years. Just kinda… lost interest, I guess."_

God, it made Anti sound pathetic.

Chase, though admittedly a little shocked at first, hadn't made that much of a big deal about it. He was more curious with how Anti had coped during his lengthy abstinence, considering that he _did_ used to like sleeping with people, and had come to the conclusion that cutting had replaced his need for human touch.

Which… Anti hated to think about, if he was honest with himself.

They'd dropped the conversation when Anti grew uncomfortable, but the thoughts hadn't left him alone since, eating away at his insides. Questioning himself, his ethics, his intentions- wondering if sharing this with Dark was somehow using him as an outlet, or… or _betraying_ him. Anti wasn't blind- he knew how Dark felt about him. Hell, he knew how he felt about _Dark_. The feelings were hardly platonic, and yet…

"... Dear?"

He snapped his eyes open, suddenly struck with an insatiable desire to hurl. _Damn anxiety._ He hadn't let it get this bad in...

"You're sure it's not weird to watch?" Anti asked worriedly, fixing Dark with a wary look as he broke out of his own thoughts. He didn't realise it, but he'd been staring into space for minutes on end, fidgeting with the newer cuts on his arm until they bled once more. It wasn't enough to overcome the fear in his chest.

"It wasn't weird before, so why should it be now?" Dark asked him, raising an eyebrow with concern. "Come, dear, I know that look… what is troubling you? What is making you feel so uncomfortable?"

"No, it's… it's nothing like that." Anti sighed, swallowing a lump in his throat as he braced himself for what he was about to reveal. Was he ready for this? Was _Dark_ ready? What would the other man say to him if he spoke about what was _really_ making him so nervous?

"Chase was talkin' to me the other day, and… some of the stuff he said wouldn't leave me alone. I don't know how I feel about it, but… damn it, Dark, he was takin' jabs at my sex life. Or… lack of one, and I cracked, and told him I just didn't care about that sort of shit anymore, and…"

Anti let out a frustrated huff, hot tears beading on his cheeks. "Then the fucker decided to make up for it by talkin' about knife play…"

"Ah…" Dark uttered, finally catching on to why Anti seemed so agitated. It… wasn't the reaction Anti had expected from him, and it had him a little shaken. He'd half-expected Dark to grow cold, and dismiss him. That, or become so overbearingly considerate that Anti would feel somewhat manipulative. He… didn't know how he'd wanted Dark to react. Did he?

"I see… are you worried about my presence because of what he said to you?"

"No, not even that, just…" Anti murmured, unsure of where to start. "I don't know. He said that knife play might help me get back into it, not that I'm _trying… _but the part that's fucking with me is that I think it _would_. And I've spent so long not even thinking about it, but now _every_ little thing I do seems sexual, and it's just…"

"Do you view this as a sexual act?" Dark asked him when Anti had trailed off, and… _wow_, he hated that he didn't trust his instinctual answer of 'no'. "I won't judge, regardless of your answer. I'm just… trying to piece together why you're worried, that's all. It's… not something I'd have thought would get you so worked up."

"I… don't know." Anti confessed, looking thoroughly lost. "I've just got all this worry, and nerves, and I _really_ need to let it out, and… I don't think I could do this shit alone anymore, even if I wanted to. I don't think I see it like that, but it's still… _something _special. Right?"

"Right." Dark agreed, nodding along- Anti thought he heard a sigh of relief, but he wasn't entirely sure. "I understand… However this makes you feel, I see it as an improvement from the way you were before. And if you would like this to be a sexual adventure, I… I'd be willing to indulge your desires..."

There was a moment of silence.

"You… would?" Anti asked, not sure he'd heard that right. Had he? Oh, God, Dark was going to overcompensate for him, wasn't he? He was going to do that _stupid_ power move where he changed things and accommodated to Anti's every whim, and then Anti would feel obligated to humour him, even if he disliked the outcome. But what would Dark have to gain from something like this?

His heart sped up in his chest.

"Yes…" Dark admitted, expression unreadable but cheeks visibly flushed- clearly those words had been intended. "That is to say… I'd be alright if you saw it in that way. If you decided to try something new with the intention of… and I'll admit, it's been _years_ since I've even thought about participating in something like this, but…"

Dark let out a heavy sigh, his grip on Anti's hand tightening slowly. "I find I'm rather… conflicted, now. I hadn't let myself grow attached to someone new. I hadn't met someone I'd wanted to change for, but… Anti, you _know_ how I feel about you. You know you're special to me, for reasons I can't even put into words. I'd do anything in my power to make you feel happy, and wanted, and appreciated. If you want to do this differently, I'd be more than willing to help you."

_Help you…_

Something about that didn't sit well with Anti. Yes, he _knew_ that Dark was emotionally detached and seemingly incapable of being subjective, but… surely their relationship, whatever it entailed, meant more than that to him?

_Since when did I care?_

"Did I say something wrong?" Dark asked him, noticing how Anti's face had fallen. "If it worries you, Anti, we don't need to-"

"If…" Anti interrupted, biting his lip so hard it busted, the taste of his own blood welling on his tongue. "_If_ we do this, I don't want it to be like that. I don't want it to mean nothing, I…"

God, what was _wrong _with him? When had he become so sickeningly sentimental that even things like sex needed thoughtful discussions around them? Hadn't he used to scoff at the idea of romance? Hadn't he been able to do things in his past without a care in the world?

_When did things change so much?_

When… when had they become so comfortable with the idea of a sexual relationship?

"It wouldn't mean nothing, of _course_ not…" Dark assured him, realising that his nonchalance had given him the illusion of indifference. "Trust me, Anti, this would change _everything_ for us. I'm sorry I gave you that impression, and… I suppose it is a lot to digest at once. If it would make you feel less nervous, we could pretend we'd never spoken of this matter."

Anti let out a frustrated sob, burying his head in Dark's chest as his skin itched that little bit more. He didn't get it, did he? It wasn't about what _Anti_ wanted. If Anti was really so uncaring about his taste in men, he'd find some kinky fucker on craigslist and hook up with them, never having to face them again after figuring out if knives turned him on or not. But Anti _did_ care. And… damn it, nobody else could do this. He didn't trust anyone else to do this. He…

He needed Dark.

"_No_." Anti muttered, gnawing at his lip again, already feeling it start to swell. "Just… I need to know you aren't just doing this because _I'm _asking. I need to know that… that there's _something_, some part of you that sees this kind of thing as seriously as I do. This… _shit_, Dark, I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone else. I _trust_ you. I… I appreciate you, and everything you do for me, and how easy you are to talk to, and… I probably shouldn't. But I _do_. And I need to _know_…"

Dark's fingers tilted up his chin, warm brown eyes meeting Anti's own. There was… _some_ emotion there, hidden in the shadows by his brow. Anti sighed in defeat, heart already sinking in his chest. What had he been thinking? Dark couldn't possibly feel the strength of their strange bond like he could…

"Anti…"

"I need to know you _want _this." Anti managed, searching Dark's eyes for just a _hint _of understanding. "I need to know you want this for _you_, for… for _us_. It's not just about me wanting to experiment, it… I _need _this to be more than that. I want you. I… I want you to want _me_, too…"

Dark didn't quite know how to respond to that little outburst. The emotions he was feeling, numbed by the darkness swirling within his soul, his chest so unbearably _tight_… He wished he could give Anti a straight answer. He wished that the thoughts running through his mind could be categorised and explained easily, but his memories were broken and he couldn't _feel_ them anymore. He'd never realised just how much he'd missed them until now.

He knew he should be moved to tears. He knew he should console Anti, and hold him close, and promise him the world. He knew he should be able to say he loved him, but something… something always seemed to come out wrong when he tried. It felt wrong, no matter how _right_ it should have been.

He wished it could be _simple_.

"I do want you." Dark finally managed, tugging Anti closer to him and wrapping him in an apologetic hug. "I _do_ want you, and your affection, and your _trust_, and your heart… I want to do things with you that I wouldn't dream of doing with anyone else. I want to hold you close to me, and keep you, and _never_ share you with anyone else… I want to give you the world. I want to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I want… I want you to take _everything _I have to offer you…"

Anti's eyes had teared up, though Dark couldn't tell if his words were having a good impact or a bad one. It wasn't until Anti had squeezed his hands, now holding them both between them, that Dark saw hope in his gaze.

"Dark," Anti started, sniffing back the tears that still remained, "would _you _want to have sex with me? For real? _Every _string attached?"

That sentence should _definitely _have felt more alien on his tongue.

"Yes." Dark decided, barely even hesitating as he looked into Anti's wary eyes. "I'd be honoured, Anti. And I'm sorry I can't seem to find the words, but I… I _care _about our relationship. I care about keeping it healthy, and strong, and… I care about the idea of being intimate with you so much _more _than I could put into words. It's… exciting, and intriguing, and _new_. It's something I'm not familiar with, but I want to _be_ familiar with it, for you..."

He wasn't lying. Even if he didn't understand his emotional capability anymore, even if he was cold, and distant, and _numb_… he still held a shred of his former self's empathy and compassion- or perhaps, he simply retained values he just couldn't let go. He wanted to help Anti, because he knew that if the circumstances were any different, his fractured heart would be wholly devoted to the task of loving him. _Damien _would love him. But in this world… that saccharine love story simply wasn't possible for them.

"... You'd really want to sleep with me?" Anti asked again, blinking as if he simply couldn't process the idea. "Even if you don't love me? I… I thought that kind of shit was important to you… Ye just seem like someone who'd care about waitin' for marriage, if y'know what I mean..."

Now _that_ was ironic. As much of a hopeless romantic as Damien had been in his life, even he had known that marriage was off the table for him- and if he could never live the fantasy life he wanted with the man of his dreams, what was the point in waiting? He'd lost his virginity when he was young, and he hardly even remembered the face of the boy who'd taken it. They'd never spoken again after that fateful night of experimentation, and that was simply the way life panned out for people like him.

In an ideal world, sex should have been something he waited to explore with the right person. But this _wasn't _an ideal world. And the right person… well, it had taken him decades to finally meet him, hadn't it? Even in his state of unstable, overwhelming numbness… He knew that nobody had ever been closer to the one than Anti.

He'd never thought about it that way before, had he?

"I hardly remember how it feels to love someone, Anti…" Dark replied with a little sigh, drawing him closer still. "Truthfully, I don't believe I ever have… but I know that my feelings for you are stronger than my feelings for… _anything_."

He looked down at his body in distaste. "I can't even feel anger as intensely as I feel for you… every other interaction, every other conversation, _none_ of them entertain me. And surely that means, if nothing else, that this is something I could _only _hope to share with _you_…"

_"Shit_…" Anti shivered, relief making his tone warble as he let that admission sink in. It was probably the closest thing he'd ever get to an 'I-love-you' from anyone, yet at the same time he knew it was so much _more _than that. "You sure know your way around your words, don't ye?"

"I'd prefer to say I know my way around your heart…" Dark responded, knowing all too well how disgustingly sweet he sounded, but… he was strangely alright with that. It was making Anti blush, and that was certainly a welcome distraction from the stress they'd been under recently- the pressure to finally confess how they really felt about each other, to talk about their boundaries, their needs, their _desires_… seeing the bashful grin splitting on Anti's cheeks made the experimental remark _entirely _worth it.

"You're a damn sap, ye know that?" Anti snorted, drawing him in for another hug. Dark felt… something, stirring in his chest as he held Anti even closer. He was content to stay like this forever, wasn't he? That should have worried him- he was a busy man, he was doing something _important_, dealing with a murderer who'd wronged everyone who crossed his path, and… and that didn't matter now, did it?

Not when he had someone to cherish, and hold, and _spoil_… not when he had someone he cared about, _more _than he cared for revenge. Not when he had _Anti_.

"One thing's for sure- I'm too much of a sap to let us have our very first sexual encounter in a storage closet…" Dark admitted, his own cheeks now flushed at the very implication of those words. They'd discussed this already, yes, but now it felt _real_. This was happening, wasn't it? So out of the blue, so _sudden… _but maybe he'd been craving something more for even longer than he'd thought.

"If I see a single damn rose petal on your bed, I _swear_…"

Dark smiled fondly at the smaller man, not saying a word as the shadows melted around them, their surroundings shifting from the clutter of the storage closet to the elegant wooden panelling of Dark's bedroom. He considered summoning an array of flowers, just to tease- but he found he actually wanted to take this encounter seriously, unlike so many others they'd shared…

Anti had been in here several times before- he was accustomed to the walls, the floor, the furniture that lay dotted around and how to avoid walking into it. He was accustomed to Dark's bed, always sitting there, looking so inviting despite it never being used. Dark, to Anti's knowledge, didn't even sleep. Nobody had slept there until Anti had started staying over, and Dark had insisted on watching over him. Perhaps he should have found it unnerving, but… he actually rather enjoyed being wrapped up in Dark's embrace while he rested. It made him feel… comfortable, and safe. Protected.

_Even though the only one he really needed protection from was himself..._

"How do you want to do this?" Dark asked him softly, curling his fingers against Anti's cheek. "What kind of sensations would you like to explore? Anything you want, I can give to you. Just say the word…"

This wasn't what Anti had planned for his afternoon. Sure, he hadn't really known how Dark would react to his troubling thoughts, but even the best scenarios he'd imagined wouldn't have led him to _this_. Pressed close up against Dark as if there wasn't room around them, listening to his silky smooth drawl… They were really doing this, weren't they? Why was it so easy to accept that fact?

"I… don't know," Anti admitted, voice sounding weak in his throat, "but I don't really trust my legs to keep me upright when ye use that damn tone…"

**"Thank you…"** Dark smirked, the echo in his voice returning- the bastard was doing this on purpose, wasn't he? Of course he was… Anti wouldn't necessarily say he'd ever been turned on by Dark's voice before, but he knew that it gave him shivers.

"Prick..." Anti muttered, tugging Dark in the direction of the bed by the collar of his shirt. "You know _exactly_ what you're doin' to me, don't ye?"

**"I haven't the ** ** _slightest_ ** ** idea what you're talking about…"**

Anti had expected Dark to frown or protest to being shoved onto the bed, but the other man seemed _excited_… perhaps excited wasn't the word. Intrigued? Curious?

It was a good look on him nonetheless.

"You're an insufferable cunt, ye know that?"

**"I assure you, I do. But if you don't like it, ** ** _please_ ** **… feel free to reprimand me."**

Okay, _that_ was definitely intentional. It was hard to tell sometimes whether Dark really meant to sound so seductive, and it made for a lot of teasing ammunition- but there was no way that cocky smirk was a coincidence.

_You want me to reprimand you?_

Anti climbed onto the bed to join him, kicking off his shoes as he found himself straddling Dark's hips- the man beneath him let out a quiet gasp that could almost pass as a sigh. But Anti knew better. Dark was playing a game, he was aware of that. If he really wanted to, he was strong enough to flip their positions, or throw Anti away from him- but he didn't. He was lying there, pretending he was completely at Anti's mercy, and…

Damn. He hadn't expected Dark to be so submissive, but he sure as Hell wasn't complaining.

"I kinda like seeing ye like this…" Anti murmured, fingers clenching idly in the sheets beside Dark's arms. "Just… lying there, waitin' for me to decide what to do with ye… Looks good on you."

Dark smiled, messy hair falling around his face as Anti pushed him further into the mattress, eyes flashing warm purple. _Purple?_ That was certainly new… Anti wondered what that colour shift meant in the grand scheme of things. He'd seen Dark's eyes turn blue, red, brown, black… Had they ever turned purple for someone else?

"I'm all yours, dear…" Dark affirmed, letting his hands trail up and settle on Anti's hips. "All _yours… _do with me what you will. _Use _me. _Maim _me. **_Mark _****me… **I want to see you in such a state of bliss that you forget how to say your own name. I want to be the reason you break your pattern of abstinence, I **_want_****…**"

Dark hummed lowly, the sound reverberating in his throat. **"I want to please you like you've never been pleased before…"**

_"Shit…"_ Anti shuddered, shivers running down his spine as he felt his face burning at Dark's sultry words. "You're laying it on a little thick, aren't ye? _Damn_…"

**"Tell me you don't like it."**

"You _know_ I can't do that," Anti countered, lips parting to let out a nervous little laugh, "it's just… _Fuck_, Dark, we're really _doing _this. I can't believe it…"

_I can't believe it feels so natural…_

"I'm finding it hard to fathom as well…" Dark agreed, tilting his head slightly. His hair was bunched behind him, his fringe falling messily across his face, his pupils dilated just a little wider than usual. His irises still shone brilliant purple, fixed on Anti's own, his hands pressing deeper into Anti's waist. That blazer was _much_ too constricting, wasn't it? It was already creased and bunched up around his arms, practically choking Dark in conjunction with his shirt and tie…

Dark met his wandering eyes with a smug little smirk. He reached out beside him, grabbing the hilt of Anti's knife and offering it to him, the tension in his gut only seeming to grow stronger. But it was a _good_ tension. Anticipation…

**"You know what to do."**

Anti didn't hesitate for long before he popped off Dark's blazer buttons, one by one from bottom to top. The satisfying sound of threads breaking and being torn apart was music to his ears, the faint clatter of the buttons as they were tossed to the floor in a messy pile… He didn't stop there. He tugged the blazer open, taking his knife to the smaller buttons on Dark's pristine white shirt, seeing the light fabric grow slowly permeated with red…

Dark's breath hitched, but he didn't protest. Anti hadn't meant to break skin, but the little nicks his knife had made in Dark's torso were beading with crimson droplets, smearing across the otherwise grey surface. They shone in the dim light, and Anti ran his thumb along one of the deeper cuts, catching blood on his hand.

"Sorry…" Anti murmured out of habit.

**"Don't apologise,"** Dark shivered, sighing somewhat contently as he relaxed further into the sheets, **"Don't fret… That was a thrilling experience."**

Anti knew that Dark didn't exactly like being sliced up like a piece of meat- it wasn't that he was opposed to it, but he had certain standards when it came to injuries. There was only so much he could heal. There was only so much he wanted other people to be able to see. And before Anti's eyes, the little slits across Dark's stomach and chest melted away.

His skin was smooth once more.

"Wish I could do that…" Anti sighed, tensing a little as he thought of the pink scars that covered him from head to toe. "Just… make them all go away. Stop people staring, and judging, and talkin' about them…"

Dark frowned up at him, trailing his hands further up Anti's waist and riding up his black shirt to his chest. Little pink scars, some angrier than others, littered the milky white skin of Anti's stomach. Venturing further around his waist, to his back, to his V-line and undoubtedly to his thighs. His chest was marked, too. Dark made to tug Anti's shirt over his head, and Anti almost tried to stop him. But he met Dark's eyes hesitantly, and saw something that made him relent, letting out a nervous sigh.

"Okay…"

Anti was ashamed of his scars. He _hated _them- he saw them as a sign of weakness, and he made every effort to cover them when he had company. He even hid them from Dark when he could get away with it, and that would simply _not_ stand. Dark understood how difficult it could be to trust someone with something so personal, but at the same time… it was nothing Dark hadn't seen before. He'd seen Anti at his worst. He'd _been_ there when Anti was low, and… He wasn't ashamed to admit that he felt somewhat entitled to that trust.

He slid Anti's shirt up further, fingers catching every little bump in Anti's skin, pulling it over his head and tossing it aside. The shiver and whine that left Anti's lips could almost be mistaken for a reaction to the cold, but Dark knew better.

**"Look at you…"** Dark found himself murmuring, his voice carrying around the room. **"It saddens me that you think so lowly of yourself, dear… Scars are terrible, yes. But scars tell a story. And ****_you_****…"**

It wasn't hard for Dark to rise from his place on the bed, assuming a sitting position with Anti planted firmly in his lap. His shirt and blazer hung limply over his shoulders, his arms wrapping instinctively around Anti's waist and drawing him closer.

**"You have the most inspiring story of all…"**

Anti didn't know how to react at first. He felt exposed and ashamed, and barely even had time to process those thoughts before he felt Dark's lips on his collar. He couldn't hold back his gasp if he tried- he wasn't even sure what had caused it. Surprise? Arousal? No… the feeling wasn't making him any more heated or sensitive, not triggering his mind to cloud over with lust. Instead…

Dark kissed softly across Anti's shoulder, lips trailing over every little scar he could find. There were hundreds, if not thousands- and some had faded too far to see, but he could _feel _them. Every line, every raise- every mark Anti had made with the intent of causing himself pain…

When he looked in the mirror, Dark wanted him to remember _this _instead.

Neither had any words to say. Dark was focused on his task, kneading Anti's skin gently as he moved to the glitch's other shoulder, working his way down his arm. He pressed kisses to Anti's chest, lingering on his neck, enjoying the way that Anti gasped aloud at the contact. With slightly bloodied lips, he kissed Anti's cheek, leaving little red stains in the wake of his affection. It was a strangely beautiful sight to behold.

The scars on his face were the only ones Anti hadn't been able to hide. They were arguably the most damaging, easily the most noticeable… They hadn't healed nicely at all. His skin was warped and uneven, the only way to fix it being plastic surgery- and Anti hadn't admitted it, but Dark knew he couldn't bear to look at himself anymore. It was why his hair was always so messy, why he never noticed the red around his eyes, why he refused to be in photos or home videos. It was why Marvin had started taking his place on the channel, disguising himself to look like Anti, acting out his role… Anti didn't even want the audience to know about his disfigured body. It must have been a pride thing. He didn't want to seem… broken?

But Dark wasn't one to care about that. How could he judge Anti for appearing damaged when he could hardly contain the bitterness and resentment inside of his own cracked shell?

Dark continued to kiss Anti's face, only moderately worried that he was crossing a line- cheek, nose, forehead... Dark could feel Anti's heart speeding up with every touch, feel his shallow breaths falling onto Dark's neck. He followed the longest scar, down over Anti's closed eyes, across the bridge of his nose- he cupped Anti's jaw as his lips came to settle on the only place he hadn't yet touched, something tensing in his stomach despite his heart remaining deathly quiet.

Anti… couldn't remember the last time he'd been kissed. He supposed it must have been years ago, someone he'd hooked up with overnight that had wanted the extra attention. It had been all teeth and tongue, messy, frantic… The scent of sex in the air had distracted them from enjoying the embrace. But _this_…

Dark was kissing him with a purpose. Slow, steady, almost hesitant- this was more than just an instinct, _more_ than a primal urge or a simple social tradition. He could feel Dark's shakes and shivers, the cool touch of his skin, the nerves rolling from the other entity like none he'd ever witnessed before. Dark really _was _worried about stepping over the line, wasn't he? But he didn't need to worry much longer, because as soon as Anti got a grip on the situation, he wasted barely a moment before kissing Dark back.

It felt… right, somehow. Was this what love was supposed to feel like? Sweet, and soft, and comforting? Even when neither of them had any clue what was right, wrong, acceptable, appreciated… Was it simply a mutual trust that was causing them to feel so content giving up the facade of control?

The moments seemed to pass in a blur. Anti couldn't recall how long they'd been sitting there, savouring the taste of the other's lips, caught up in an embrace that neither had expected to go this far. He didn't care to find out. It was so simple, yet so _addicting_\- did Dark feel the same way?

**"Are you enjoying this, dear…?"** Dark finally asked him, pulling away just far enough to speak aloud. It was as though he didn't dare disconnect their lips, and Anti certainly wasn't complaining. Breathing somewhat heavily, audible groans on the tips of their tongues- Anti hadn't remembered kissing to be so… _intimate_. He liked the change, no matter how he should have loathed it.

**"Letting me show you how much I care for you? Letting me kiss, and touch, and dote on you?"**

"Y-yeah…" Anti replied, head starting to feel a little… light? The blood rushing to his cheeks had him feeling giddy, the excess crimson flowing from his neck turning his chest and stomach bright red. Dark was covered in it- the sticky fluid had fallen onto his collar, trickling down his breast, staining his shirt further… Anti forced Dark's arms to his sides so he could remove the offending layers with ease, shoving them to the other side of the bed. The imbalance caused them to topple, and then they were kissing again, arms wrapped around each other as if they were scared of letting go. Neither would even dream of it.

A muffled chuckle, a drawn out sigh- Anti felt… comfortable, pressed against the sheets. They'd rolled over so that Dark was lying on top of him, but he found that he didn't mind the change at all- and now his cool fingers were trailing up Anti's chest, his thumb teasing the sensitive wound that still bled down Anti's front.

_Fuck._

That was… _new_.

**"Do you like it when I play with your neck?"** Dark asked him, shifting so that his kisses now landed along Anti's jaw. It was all Anti could do not to whine in response, the skin of his throat tingling and throbbing as his blood streamed further. **"I think you do… it looks sensitive, like the ****_slightest_**** little nudge could leave you ****_gasping_****…"**

Dark's mouth was warmer than the rest of his body- his lips were soft and careful as they trailed over him, tongue prodding apprehensively at the rough skin of Anti's neck. _Shit, _please_, fuck…_

When was the last time he'd felt so _needy_?

"Would you like me to taste it?" Dark asked him, voice much softer than before. The whisper was apprehensive and intimate, _different_\- Anti nodded feebly in response.

"_Shit_, yes…"

"And… would it be alright if I removed your jeans?"

Anti glared half-heartedly at Dark, the ferocious tingling of his neck wound seeming even stronger than ever. "Dark, I _swear_… I didn't spend the last ten minutes makin' out with ye just to say no to that, just… _fuck_, what's wrong with me? I fuckin'... I _need_ ye. I need ye to do something, Dark, _please_…"

Was this what he was reduced to, now? A shivering, begging _mess_? Anti remembered a time when his partners begged for _him_. Begged for his touch, his time, their _lives_… those days had been fun, hadn't they?

_This is better, though._

"I… suppose I'll consider that consent." Dark sighed somewhat fondly, trailing his hand to the waist of Anti's skinny black jeans. "But _please _stop me if you grow uncomfortable."

"_You_ are making me uncomfortable with the amount of fuckin' teasing you're doing…" Anti grumbled under his breath, though his words were stolen quickly by a gasp when Dark's lips brushed his throat again.

It hurt- but it was a _good_ kind of pain. A satisfying one, a burning sensation as Dark's saliva mixed in with the blood streaming from his open wound. Anti felt teeth against his neck, a hand pressed into his back, his lower body squirming with a feeling he could only identify as pleasure as his buttons and zippers were skilfully undone. How many times had Dark done this before? How many other men had fallen prey to his stupidly charming hair flips and flirtatious smirks?

Anti found himself too inundated with pleasure to care.

_"Shit…"_ Anti shivered, tangling his hands in Dark's hair. "That… oh, _f-fuck_…"

Dark hummed smugly, though he didn't pull away. He slipped his tongue in deeper, as far as it could go- Anti felt strangely choked, but he didn't mind the sensation at all. He let out a quiet moan of contentment, straining his back against the mattress, bare skin starting to twitch under Dark's teasing hand. _Fuck_, he was good… for someone who hadn't done this in years, he certainly knew all the right places to tease.

_Smug bastard. Always gotta best me at everything, doesn't he? First the Void, then my own fuckin' health plan… now his hand's better than mine ever was._

But despite his thoughts, Anti knew he didn't really have a problem with that at all.

"There we go…" Dark murmured, smirking as he pulled away from Anti's neck. His lips were stained red, his appearance suited more to a vampire than a man- he squeezed Anti softly, not missing the gasp that left those parted lips. He was beautiful like this… carefree, and lazy, and _happy_… It wasn't a side of him that Dark often got to see.

"You're enjoying this?" Dark asked, just to make sure that he wasn't somehow misreading the situation. "Tell me, dear… what would you like me to do?"

"Mh…" Anti managed, opening his bleary eyes once more. "_Fuck_, Dark… more of that, _please_…"

"I didn't think you'd like it this much." Dark admitted, a grey blush spreading on his cheeks as he kneaded at the tender wound with his other hand, scratching at the sensitive skin with his nails. "How does it feel?"

"S-so fuckin _tingly_…" Anti hissed, tugging Dark into him once more. His lips brushed against Anti's neck, his teeth nipping at the loose seam- Anti could have _melted _at the stimulation. It was like he was being stabbed in the throat all over again- his skin warm and wet and _hot_… He bucked unwittingly into Dark's hand, momentarily forgetting that he was supporting their weight- and they fell softly in a messy pile, sprawled out on the bed.

The collision brought Dark's teeth up against the remaining buried flesh of his throat, choking him, _cutting_ him- Anti let out a squeak of alarm that couldn't betray the pleasure that coursed through him at the action. Dark pulled away immediately- _fuck_, Anti could have kicked himself.

"None of that." Anti found himself growling, shoving Dark's face further in, keeping him pressed up tightly against his neck. "_Shit_, Dark, don't you _dare _stop…"

He didn't expect Dark to lie there and take it, but _shit_, that was something he could get behind. Letting Anti move him around as roughly as he wanted, letting him take control… Anti wouldn't really say he was the dominant type. But there was something appealing about bending someone so powerful to his will, and not even having to _try_ for it…

_Is that what love is meant to be like?_

Dark seemed quite happy to stay put. He hummed teasingly at Anti's neck again, practically feeling the adrenaline rush second-hand as the weight in his palm grew heavier and hotter, slick with something thinner than the blood still leaking from his lips. The metallic taste was somewhat addicting- at first he'd wanted to recoil, but… there was a strange attractiveness to it, he had to admit. And Anti _certainly_ seemed to love the feeling of being eaten out in the most messy and unconventional way Dark could think of.

Another squeeze, then a tug. He could feel Anti's resounding shiver as if it were his very own.

"_Dark…_"

Something about feeling the vibrations of Anti's vocal cords against his lips was strangely gratifying, _especially_ when it was his own name being stretched out and moaned. He could feel it- Anti was close. He was practically trembling, his legs shaking, his heart pounding loudly against Dark's own quiet chest. It had been years for him, and it _showed_. But Dark was hardly the type to judge him for that.

**"Show me how gorgeous you look when you're on the edge, dear…"**

Anti bit back a moan when Dark lifted his head, gazing down at the man he was so infatuated with as he reached his breaking point. His blissed out face, his pink cheeks- the stark white scars that marred the continuous flush of red across his upper body were nothing but _beautiful_ in Dark's eyes. If his hand was free, he'd trail his fingers across the faint little stripes, appreciating how defined they were in Anti's heated state.

But there would be time for that later.

"_Fuck_, I…"

**"Let it all out, Anti, let me take care of you…" **Dark urged, cold heart stirring as Anti's lips spilled muffled exclamations and curses, skin _trembling_ under Dark's touch, until…

"F-Fuck… _you_!" Anti growled half-heartedly, rocking out the last of the wave of pleasure that had overtaken his senses for the moment. It had been downright _blissful_, and the cool air drying out his throat wound had only served to add to the intensity of his high, and… _fuck_…

Anti pulled Dark into his chest, rolling them over again so that the larger man was pinned to the mattress beneath him. Dark didn't seem to know what to make of that exclamation- and despite himself, Anti felt damn proud of causing the confusion in Dark's deep brown eyes.

"Fuck. You." Anti hissed again, very conscious of the mess he was spreading across both of their stomachs with every move he made. He weighed down on Dark's chest, clenching his fingers in the sheets on either side of them- he'd forgotten just how sensitive he could be after getting hot and heavy with someone, and it was taking all of his will to avoid cursing in the fading remnants of his pleasure.

Dark opened his mouth to speak, but Anti was quicker.

"No- no, _fuck you_. You know what? I went for so _fucking_ long thinking I couldn't get off on shit like this, and then _you_, with your dumb fuckin' deep voice an' shit, you just fucking _appear_ out of nowhere and _ruin_ everythin'… _shit_… w-what the _fuck_, Dark, I..."

"Do you regret this?" Dark asked him, clearly concerned. "Did I go too far?"

"No." Anti refused instantly, a huff escaping his parted lips. "_No_, ye didn't, but… _fuck you_, Dark. The _fuck_…"

"I see." Dark commented, coming to something of an understanding of what was happening. "I'm going to guess that it's been so long since you've experienced something like this that you don't really know how to process it…"

"Somethin' like that…"

Dark smiled contently at the flushed face of his lover, reaching to trail a thumb over the closest scar to his lips. "I forgive you."

_"Fuck you."_

"What a _thrilling_ conversation we're having…" Dark teased, trailing off as Anti relaxed into his embrace, curling his limbs around Dark in a movement that seemed far too natural. But it _worked_, somehow. Should that be worrying?

"Was that enjoyable for you?" Dark asked him, cupping Anti's cheek gently.

"Your hand smells like fuckin' taint."

"Well, perhaps you should wash more often…" Dark mused, not missing the way Anti's arms tightened around his torso. It seemed he wasn't the only one that was terrible at expressing his emotions, after all. But… there was a certain charm about Anti that he couldn't seem to despise. No matter how vulgar or brash his words were, they told Dark one thing- he'd done what he'd set out to do. He'd made Anti feel so overwhelmingly good that he'd forgotten how to do anything but spit insults, and _that_ was a gratifying thought indeed.

"... 'M sorry I got you all messy…" Anti mumbled against Dark's neck after a few moments of calm silence had passed between them. Dark had focused on Anti's breathing as it slowed, shifting from heated gasps to winded little sighs. It was… nice, to hear him come down from the high Dark had helped him finally reach. It stirred something inside him- pride? Contentment?

It was a good feeling, Dark found.

"That's quite alright, dear." Dark replied, smiling Anti's way. "I knew what I was signing up for, and I find I rather enjoyed it myself. Seeing you so caught up and _sensitive_, caving under my touch…"

"Smug _prick_."

"You wouldn't have it any other way."

Anti grumbled something unintelligible against Dark's shoulder- perhaps a string of curses. He shifted to a position where his mouth was unobstructed, and Dark could see the pretty red tinge he'd left behind on those puffy lips. He let out a distracted huff.

"I hate you…"

"I hate you too."

It wasn't the most conventional way to show affection, but neither of them seemed to care about that- they knew what the other meant, even if words could never seem to convey what they were feeling. Anti sighed vehemently as he shifted again, propping himself up with his elbow. He looked… distraught. How had his mood shifted so suddenly?

"Dark, what the _fuck_ are we?"

A small, appreciative smile. Dark threaded his fingers lazily through Anti's hair, resting his other hand on his partner's tense shoulder. He was so worried over something so trivial? How very… human.

Maybe, Dark was feeling rather human tonight as well.

"Whatever you'd like us to be, dear…"

"But…" Anti groaned lowly, "what does that _mean_? Are we dating? Are we just friends with benefits? What are the limits? Where do we have to draw the line…?"

"_Anti_…"

Dark had rolled them over again, his weight pushing subtly down on Anti as he found himself pressed once more into the silky sheets of Dark's bed. Barely a moment passed before they were kissing again- Anti leaned instinctively into the touch when Dark captured his lips, hardly even thinking before he hooked his arms around Dark's waist and held him there. The metallic taste on Dark's tongue was nothing short of grotesquely addictive. He didn't want this to end. Why was that so terrifying?

Anti's jeans were still half-done, pushed down his scarred thighs and exposing him as they shuffled along, small bursts of friction here and there, eliciting a shaky gasp whenever Anti found his lips unoccupied. But _damned_ if Dark was letting that happen often, apparently. This kiss was… different. It wasn't fueled by lust, or by the compelling desire to show Anti he was appreciated. He didn't know what emotion was brewing behind those captivating eyes, those firm kisses he couldn't deny if he wanted to. He liked it. Was that normal?

"Even if I cannot tell you I love you…" Dark began, trailing off as he looked apologetically into Anti's eyes. "Even if… the emotion escapes me, and the explanation is far out of reach. No matter what, I _care_ for you. I appreciate you. I yearn to see your smiling face, every morning when you're not by my side. I want to _keep_ you, just so I can look upon you in times of stress. I would let you do whatever you desired with me, no matter the consequence. I…"

Dark let out a sigh of flustered contentment. "Regardless of what we label ourselves, I am unquestionably, irrevocably _yours_. And even if we hadn't taken this step… my words would still hold true. Regardless of whether our relationship was purely platonic, or sexual, or romantic- my devotion to _you _would be a constant. So, Anti… I've made my choice. Whatever you want from me, I will provide- sex, affection, protection, _comfort… _and I will treasure _every _moment I'm able to spend by your side…"

Anti let out a shuddering breath, burying his head once more in Dark's chest, trying to wipe away all of those damned tears before this became a show of waterworks.

"_Fuck you…_ such a… fuckin'... dramatic son of a _bitch_. Can never get a straight answer out of ye, can I? Always gotta have this big fuckin' monologue… I'm not good at this emotional shit. I… I'm _scared_. You're here wearin' your fuckin' heart on your sleeve, and I'm just… I don't have anythin' to s-say…"

"I don't need to hear you speak to know how you feel about me…" Dark reassured him, pressing sweet little kisses to Anti's forehead out of simple instinct. "And I'm sure the same could be said of myself… but I find that monologuing helps me articulate my thoughts. I'm well aware of how ridiculous and dramatic I can sound, and… to be quite honest, I rather enjoy the nuance of that effect. But _you_…"

Dark gave Anti a comforting smile. "You're much more of a hands-on kind of man than I am. You might not speak as incessantly as I, but your actions tell me all that I need to know. Right now I can feel your heartbeat, and your tears, and the blood drying on your skin… I can feel _you_. And there's nothing more reassuring to me than the fact that I'm the only one who's ever had you so _close_…"

Anti's fingers twitched nervously against Dark's skin, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. He knew what Dark meant by that, of course- Anti had definitely been up close and personal with his fair share of flings, but none had ever carried the weight of his emotions after the fact. He and Dark were physically close, yes, but… they were close in another way as well. A much more _important _way.

"I want to do this again," Anti murmured, almost as if he was afraid of speaking his mind, "_all_ of this… I _like _kissin' ye. I like it when ye take care of me, I… I didn't even think I could do this, y'know? I was expectin' it to be weird, and uncomfortable, and… _fuck_, Dark, it was better than I could've hoped. I… I didn't even need the knife. I don't even need to cut right now, I… I'm so fuckin' _spent_, Darky…"

It wasn't the first time the name had slipped out- at first it had been pure teasing on Anti's part, deliberate goading to poke at Dark's nerves. Then, it had become something more friendly. Something private. And… well, Anti supposed he'd found yet another context to use the pet name. A state where he was tired, and relaxed, and too blissed out to care about biting it back. Dark didn't seem to mind him using it, now. Maybe he knew just how vacant he'd left Anti's rational mind after what they'd shared.

"I know, dear, I know…" Dark muttered soothingly, pressing more kisses to Anti's cheek as if he was craving the touch of his partner's skin. "That's _wonderful_ news… if it would help you ease away from your habit of self-mutilation, I'd be more than happy to do this with you, often. As often as you'd like."

_As often as I'd like?_

"I want to do somethin' for ye, too…" Anti admitted softly, heartbeat still terribly loud in his chest. "I… I never liked just using people to get off, y'know? Even if I didn't care how we got there, I always enjoyed watchin' 'em come undone… I can't let ye leave it like this. Dark, I… I want to do somethin' more, an'... what are you into? What kinda kinky shit do ye like? If we're doin' this, it needs… it needs to go both ways. Tell me what gets ye moanin' like the fuckin' _whore _I know ye are…"

When Anti was tired, his accent was strong- it was hard to hear it over the static in his videos, but his voice was capable of being quite normal indeed. He was always more inclined to curse and ramble when he hadn't rested, but this soft sleepiness was certainly a welcome change. Dark loved that he could hear every syllable, drawn out and pronounced. Was that normal?

And… well, he supposed he could excuse being called a whore for the moment. Something about that degradation was oddly intriguing- perhaps, in all of his changes, he'd developed something of a liking for being put in his place. How _ironic_ that would be, given how hard he'd fought for the right to decide his own truth… Looking back on his sexual past, Dark knew Anti was more right than he'd really intended to be when he uttered the word- but he couldn't take offence to that. When he was younger, he really _had _been whorish in his adventures...

Dark closed his eyes, recalling a much simpler, yet much more complex time. It had been tough to get out and explore his sexuality, especially after he'd become the mayor. But as anxiety-ridden and fearful as he'd been, scared of being caught… the years spent in the shadows had been some of the most thrilling of his life. He wouldn't trade them for anything- because without them, he'd likely never be here, basking in Anti's lovely post-sex glow. The right man had finally come, hadn't he? The thought was comforting, and happy, and largely unnerving. It was a tumultuous mess of emotion that Dark wasn't prepared to handle- so he suppressed it as best he could, speaking to distract himself from the sickly churning of his stomach.

"I… haven't done anything like this in decades, Anti." Dark started solemnly. "But I do recall… I particularly enjoyed giving pleasure, more than receiving it. I had something of a praise kink, and… more often than not, I was submissive to my partners. Back then, you'll find… I was a submissive person in general. And as much as I tried to evolve, and _change_, and take control of my life, I… I think I'm still lost without control. The thought is terrifying to me…"

"It didn't need to be that deep, y'know?" Anti interceded, though he had the decency to look a little sympathetic, knowing that Dark's thoughts could be ruthless at times. "Just asked what gets ye off… so ye like being told what a _good boy_ ye are? How fuckin' _precious_..."

The teasing words sent long-forgotten shivers down Dark's spine.

"... Yeah." Dark agreed, voice smaller than before. He'd be lying if he said that the feeling hadn't caught him off-guard, but… as strange as it had been, he'd liked it. It was a welcome change from the overwhelming numbness that usually took over every nerve in his body.

Anti smiled, though it was more humorous than mischievous. He slid his hands around Dark's middle once more, moving so that he was straddling Dark's stomach, giving him a few short kisses for good measure. _Damn_, was it hard to pull away. And Dark… Dark actually fucking _whined_ at the loss of contact when they parted, and Anti had never felt so priveleged to have witnessed something in his life.

"Shut up…" Dark grumbled out of embarrassment, though he let Anti fiddle with his buttons regardless. He was… rather grateful that the glitch had chosen to use his hands this time instead of his knife. The stomach was much easier to heal than anything _remotely _close to that region of his body, after all…

"I didn't say a _thing_." Anti teased lightly, finally giving up on his futile task. "Now _take off these fuckin' pants_, because _you're _the dumb fuck that decided you wanted this fancy engraved button _shit_…"

**"Style is not always practical."** Dark replied defensively, though he unclasped his buttons all the same. **"Though I suppose someone wearing the same plain shirt every day wouldn't know a ****_thing _****about that…"**

Anti whistled lowly, eyes flashing a mischievous green as he took the bait. "Low hangin' fruit, Darky… Ye wanna play that game, huh? Least I can move freely without havin' to rip my precious _suit._ How much do ye pay for that Gucci shit again…?"

Dark could only roll his eyes, not letting the witty conversation distract him from his goal. He slipped his trousers down his thighs, the action seeming so _strange_… it had been years since he'd been undressed for someone else. It had been even _more _years than that since the last time he'd done it _himself…_

Usually his partners were a lot more assertive when it came to sleeping away the night. A lot more pressed for time, a lot more frantic- the high that came with the possibility of being caught made them rush to a climax, but in his youth that had been enough. He'd never known just how thrilling it was to take things _slow_. He liked it. He _preferred_ it… He wanted to do this again.

**"I'll have you know it's more often Louis Vuitton, ** ** _thank you_ ** **…"**

"Same expensive ugly-ass shit…" Anti muttered, smirking as Dark's cheeks flushed when he pressed their bare chests together. "But I think I prefer ye naked, anyway. Looks better on ye than that damn suit, that's for sure."

**"I'm offended, yet oddly flattered?"** Dark voiced, cocking his head to the side.** "I suppose I'd expect nothing less from an interaction with ****_you… _****you always know just how to mess with my head."**

"I try," Anti hummed, tugging Dark's trousers down a little further, "and I _succeed_, clearly."

Neither needed to acknowledge it aloud, but both knew that the banter was doing wonders to soothe their worries. Their relationship wasn't changing as much as they'd feared- it was just sex, but at the same time… it was so much more than that. Wasn't it?

**"Don't get too full of yourself, dear…"** Dark muttered, smirking slyly. **"After all, that's ****_my_**** job."**

Dark couldn't recall a time in his life where he'd ever been so flirtatious. He couldn't remember the last time he'd even pretended to be coy, or acted like any of his affairs would last more than the night. And yet… it almost seemed second nature to throw these witty remarks at Anti, innuendos and suggestive sentences that made the glitch flush all over. He _loved_ that. The effect his phrases had on Anti's composure was something he could _definitely _get used to.

"_You_," Anti growled, "are a teasing little _shit_."

**"I know."**

"It drives me fuckin' crazy…"

Dark chuckled, rolling his hips to get more comfortable on the bed, not exactly planning for Anti to grind down on him in that moment- but the glitchy grunt of surprise that greeted him was absolutely _delightful_.

**"I ** ** _know…_ ** **"**

Anti kissed him again- this time, it was a much more familiar embrace. Messy, quick, filled with passion- Dark had shared plenty of kisses like this before. Pressed up against walls and desks, pinned to foreign mattresses as someone far more dominant and eager devoured his mouth with their own. Being held down by someone as they kissed him, giving him so much more attention than they probably gave their own spouse, playing rough with him because he'd _loved_ to be used.

When had that changed?

_Had it really even changed at all?_

"Ye look like a fuckin' dream, Darky…" Anti muttered, breathing softly against Dark's lips. "I… don't know if I can thank ye enough for this. I _mean _it. I forgot how good this feels… thank ye for givin' me a chance..."

_You're very welcome, dear._

He couldn't find a way to speak the words, his mind suddenly caught on a wild thought… he hadn't trusted someone in so long. He hadn't given his all to someone in… _ever_. His partners had never made an effort to get to know him, none of them had _cared _to learn his name. And in his past, that had been the standard for people like him.

Nobody could arrest you if you were cautious with your identity. Nobody could hold your sexuality against you if you were guarded and stoic in the public eye.

But… the world had changed. _He_ had changed. And… his values had changed as well. Shouldn't that silly tradition based on deception and fear be abolished?

Shouldn't Anti be entitled to know him for who he really was, even if he hadn't truly felt like himself in decades?

If he didn't owe it to Anti, he… he definitely owed it to himself. To _Damien_, who Dark knew would want to be here, witnessing this for the first time. It was only right, wasn't it? It was only fitting...

"Damien…" Dark murmured, hesitating for only a moment. This was hardly the time to divulge such information, of course- his trousers were pushed to his ankles, his skin tingling with Anti's addictive touch, and… he wanted this to be _perfect_. He wanted this to be _different_. He wanted Anti to stand out from everyone who'd ever kept his bed warm, because he knew that what they shared was _better_ than any one-night stand or closet affair. The anonymity had been painful, but most of his partners were just as wary- many of them had children and wives, lives that they needed to return to...

Damien had only had his reputation to uphold.

But _now_? Now, he was free to be the man he'd always wanted to be. He was strong enough to stand in his power, he was surrounded by supportive and admittedly equally strange people that respected him wholly. He could fuck whoever he wanted, kiss whoever he wanted, and _nobody_ would be able to threaten him for it.

Damien was dead. But in his honour, Dark wanted to embrace something he'd never had the confidence to request in his lifetime. Damien had never heard somebody utter his name in the bedroom. Perhaps it was finally time to change that.

"Call me Damien." Dark urged, shivering as Anti's warm hands ran down his thighs, touching supple skin that _nobody _had touched in so many years... "_Please_… just for tonight. Allow me a moment of self-indulgence, just this once, _please_…"

Anti didn't comment at first on the desperate request, though his thoughts were running rampant. Where could he even begin? He'd never seen Dark _beg_ before, and he certainly hadn't expected him to ask for something so strange. Damien? Was that Dark's real name? Why hadn't he mentioned it until now? Why had he waited until they were here with their limbs tangled together, hair tousled, lips swollen from the sheer intensity of their embrace? Why _now_?

Why was the pleading look on Dark's face slowly breaking his heart with every moment he remained silent?

_When did I develop enough of a heart to break?_

He swallowed the questions that had been begging to spill from his parted lips. With a shaky breath, he leaned in again- Dark wasn't expecting the kiss, but he adjusted to it quickly. Tangling his cold fingers in Anti's hair, kicking off the fabric that was restricting his ankles, Dark matched Anti's tempo as if they shared the same train of thought, the same impulses- they moved more compatibly together than ever before.

_I can handle this. It's the least I can do for you..._

"Alright, Damien…"

The name sounded _heavenly _when it slipped from Anti's mouth.

"How do ye want to do this?" Anti asked him carefully, calling back to Dark's earlier words. "Ye want me to fuck ye? I haven't done anythin' like this in ages, an'... I might not be as good as I used to be. You'd really trust me with toppin' ye?"

"I'd trust you with my life if it was still mine to give…" Dark murmured, fists clenching at Anti's hair as he found himself completely bare. Lying in a mess of silky sheets, tangled up in the feeling, a tightening sensation creeping through his chest… He was short of breath, but he let Anti kiss him anyway, too lost in the moment to _care _about anything else.

"Was that a yes?" Anti questioned. "I want ye to say it, Dami… tell me what ye want me to do with ye. Tell me how ye want me…"

Dark had never spoken about his own desires before sleeping with someone. It was usually a heat of the moment thing, deciding what felt right along the way- but the question prompted him to wonder… What _did_ he want Anti to do? Was this really just about providing pleasure to his companion, anymore? When had the focus turned from Anti's happiness to his own? What… What _did_ he really want?

_What would Damien want?_

"I want…" Dark started, closing his eyes as Anti shoved his own jeans the rest of the way down. The fabric burned against his skin, the friction fighting his detachment from reality, anchoring him to the body he'd stolen all those years ago. It felt _agonising_, but it was such an _exhilarating _rush… He felt… warm, all over. _Hot_. His skin tingled with forgotten feeling as Anti rolled them over again, pressing their flushed bodies close together, smiling just a little too softly for it to be considered a smirk.

"You're blushin', Dami…" Anti teased, mirth twinkling in his pretty green eyes at Dark's clear expression of dazed appreciation. "Look at ye, turnin' all red… ye don't know what to do with yourself, do ye? Dumb's a good look on ye..."

_Red?_

"But you've gotta tell me if it's too much, okay?" Anti muttered just a little more seriously, giving Dark's cheek a few tiny pecks out of habit. "Or if ye wanna stop, don't let me hurt you. Alright?"

He was so sweet- so thoughtful, and caring, and _considerate_… it made Dark's chest flutter, catching the very air in his throat. How long had it been since he'd felt something so light?

"... Damien?"

It wasn't instant, but the timing was damn well close to it.

A short, strangled gasp left his lips. The shift in tone was so sudden that neither quite knew how to react. Anti felt Dark's fingers digging into his hips, legs stiff and tense, chest heaving as if he was stuck in some kind of panic mode- but his eyes were full of delirious wonder. His tan skin was pulsing, his heart pounding- he met Anti's eyes with a warm, chocolate brown gaze. Gone was the coldness, the indifference. Gone was the calculation.

All Anti could see was confusion, and that was _more _than a little worrying. Dark was never confused. What was going on?

"A-Anti, I…" He managed, stammering much more than usual. He looked shocked, but when Anti tried to move away he only growled in response and tightened their embrace. His hands were warm and firm, his skin pulsing insistently against Anti's own as he pressed the other into his chest with feverish desperation. "_Fuck_, don't stop, don't… don't leave. I… I need you. I _love_ you, I want you…"

_I love you…_

Anti hadn't expected those few words to send shockwaves through his very veins, heart pounding heavily as he fixed Dark with an equally dazed look of bewilderment. He… loved him? _Really_? Were the words really so easy to let slip? Just earlier they'd come to an understanding that they'd never be spoken, and yet… Dark didn't seem like he was lying.

_He doesn't even seem like he's… himself._

"... You're not just sayin' that in the heat of the moment, right?"

"Of _course_ it's the heat of the moment…" Damien muttered in return when he finally caught his breath, lips twisting briefly as Anti slowed his teasing touches. It was as though he'd been living in stasis for the past several years, losing touch with his emotions, his _senses_… The evident overload hit like a punch to the nose, and his eyes watered heavily, tears of confused happiness falling onto Anti's bloodied chest. But he didn't care about showing weakness. He didn't _care_ about hiding behind his alter, his mask… he felt free, didn't he?

_Shit._

He could _feel_ again… Just how long had it been since the last time he'd felt something? Something _strong_, more than mere appreciation or annoyance, more than hatred…? He felt undeniably _full_, and it was terrifying. It was horrifying. It was…

It was the best he'd ever felt, wasn't it?

"But that doesn't mean I'm lying…" Damien shivered, his senses alive with the scents and tastes he could finally experience to the fullest. He could smell sex in the air, he could taste Anti's kiss on his tongue, the ghost of teasing fingertips brushing him all over. It was all he could do not to whine aloud as the stimulation finally caught up to him, pushing him to an elusive edge he hadn't even thought he could still reach.

He shuddered, not even sure which wild emotion had prompted the act. Lust? Fear? The chill in the air that suddenly struck him as icy…?

"I was so numb, for so _long… _I didn't even realise it, I…"

But how could it be anything else? His heart, as cold and dead as it had been, was suddenly swelling with every emotion he'd ever denied himself. Pride, happiness, sadness, love. _Love_. He'd never cared so much for someone's affection, he'd _never_ valued someone so highly… nobody had ever made him feel this way. Flustered, and bashful, and joyful… Nobody had ever made him want to stay. Nobody had ever sparked such an immediate reaction when he met their gaze, and… it wasn't a lie. How could it be anything but the truth?

"I love you." Damien said again, giddiness fluttering in his chest as the weight that had been pressing down on him for so long was finally lifted. He couldn't keep himself from grinning, laughing- his heart felt ready to burst with joy. "I love you, Anti, I love you so _much_… I love the way you light up the room, and I love the way you hold me, and I _love_ how you let me adore you…"

How many times could he say it before it became something redundant?

_He wanted to push that number to its very limits._

Anti was worried- Dark was crying. He was _crying_, and laughing, and splitting at his seams. His auras were small and barely visible, his face bright for the first time since Anti had known him, he… almost looked human. He'd never seemed so _pleased _with himself. He kissed Anti again, and again- and his lips were undeniably _warm_. His tears fell messily on Anti's cheeks, but neither dared to wipe them away. He was clumsy in his touches, skin flushed and red against Anti's own, the heat suddenly seeming so _distracting_…

"Are… are ye alright?" Anti asked him, wanting to make sure that he hadn't somehow broken Dark beyond repair.

"I've never felt more _alive_…" Damien breathed happily in response. "I _love_ you… I know this won't last, but _fuck_, Anti… You're amazing, I hope you understand that. You're so gorgeous, and uplifting, and wonderful… You've no idea what you've done to me. _I've _no idea what you've done to me, but… _fuck_, I love it. I love _you_… I want to make up for all the times I should have told you… I want to stay like this forever. You _saved_ me, Anti…"

Damien's eyes brimmed with happy tears, eyeliner running down his blushing cheeks. "You _saved_ me from my own pathetic ignorance, and I… I can't thank you enough. For this brief moment, for the first time in _decades_… I can feel my heart beating. It's beating for _you_. For _you_, and all of your wayward emotions, and all of your teasing, and all of your _scars… _I love you. I'm not going to stop repeating myself until this feeling fades… I love you, Anti. I _love_ you… and you deserve to be loved so much _more_. Please, when… when I go back to how I used to be, _please_ remember this moment… I likely won't know how to express my emotions for much longer."

Damien sighed in mild frustration, though his eyes still shone with something bright and hopeful. "No matter. Right _now_, I can feel everything we've shared, and… I know what I want to do. I want to give you the most of myself that I've _ever_ been able to share. I want to make love with you, and I want it to be so fucking _amazing_ that neither of us could forget it if we tried. I _love_ you, and I want to show it while I still can, _please_…"

Anti couldn't mask the bewildered expression on his face if he thought to- he just didn't know how to react. He was so used to Dark being cold and distant, even long after they'd fallen into this mess of emotions together. He was thrilled by the change, really- he just… wasn't used to Dark being so forthcoming. He wasn't used to Dark looking at him like they were sharing something special, instead of admiring him from afar. He wasn't used to Dark being so damn _attentive_, and it was terrifyingly addictive.

He wasn't used to being the emotionally-confused and incapable one between them, either. The absolute lack of a chalkboard response in his mind made him feel, for the first time, that this had gone too far. _He'd _taken it too far- he'd gone and fucked with Dark's perception of reality so much that he'd done the impossible, and now Dark was insisting that he loved him. He _didn't_\- Anti knew he didn't, but… he was damn well convincing, all things considered. His heart didn't know what to think...

"I…" Anti swallowed thickly, words caught in his tightened throat, a wash of guilt overcoming him. "I… can't say it back."

It shouldn't have mattered- he'd gone into this thinking it wouldn't _matter_, and Dark had agreed with him. Dark hadn't thought he was even capable of this, but here he was, showering Anti with the love he'd been worried he'd never be able to show. Why couldn't Anti say it? Why couldn't he bring himself to utter those three little words, and match Dark's faith in him?

_I want to love you..._

It sounded like an excuse.

"I won't be able to say it before long, either…" Damien murmured softly, tone completely understanding, jarring horribly with the overwhelming fear that Anti was feeling. "But that hardly matters to me. I _know_ how you feel about me, and… now, I hope you know that I feel just the same. Eventually I'll fade out into the broken shell I was, but this _memory_… I won't let myself forget it. Not a chance. I _love_ you, Anti, and you don't owe me anything for that. You don't owe me a single word…"

If Dark's actions had been passionate before, Anti could only describe the following moments as _desperate_. He barely had a moment to breathe after giving Dark his consent before he was shoved into the mattress and kissed like he'd never been kissed before. Gone was the hesitation, gone was the _worry- _Dark didn't wait for Anti to catch up before his lips trailed down, sucking at his neck, leaving little red marks all over him that looked so much more _beautiful _than scars. Anti's skin was hot with untamed pleasure, Damien's name on the tip of his tongue, aggressive kisses littered all over his stomach where the darkest stripes had finally begun to fade from his skin.

The marks on his thighs were much more sensitive than the others- Anti wasn't used to _anyone_ touching him this way, but then Dark's hands were there, and he was sure he'd cursed aloud at the feeling. Nipping, teasing- the kisses soon ventured beyond the bounds of Anti's scars, praises spilling incessantly from his open mouth as he grabbed at Dark's hair in fistfuls. It was hard not to shove him down further, _choke_ him, force him to pay for what he'd started when he first let his tongue tease at Anti's cock.

But at the same time, Anti knew Dark would have _loved_ that.

Damien didn't even have the capacity to worry- he didn't know how long this would last, how much more he'd be able to provide before his heart inevitably hardened again. Now that his eyes were opened, he _never_ wanted to close them- but that wasn't something worth wasting his wishes on, he knew. He was grateful for this opportunity to shine through- he was so _grateful_ for a chance to be something more than a burden on Anti's affection-starved existence, and he wanted to make the most of it.

Anti _deserved _that. Maybe, they both did… but Damien didn't want to waste this precious time thinking about the technicalities. He hummed devilishly as Anti pulled at his hair, bucking softly in place, no rhythm to his movements at all- it was _thrilling_. He didn't mind being jolted in place, or pulled down, or choked on the dizzying scent of sweat and sex in the room. He savoured the feeling of being wanted, being _needed_. He felt pride for the first time in years upon hearing his name spilling from Anti's spent lips, huffed out in short bursts because the way Damien used his tongue was enough to make the younger ego see stars.

_Shit_, Anti had missed this.

Damien hadn't known how gratifying it would feel to be _desired_ again.

Shouldn't they have done this sooner?

_Fuck_, it felt even better the second time…

"_Shit_, Dami, you're so good at this… _fuck_. I've never seen someone so eager to have a dick in their mouth, but it _suits_ ye… ye look so pretty. So _pretty_, takin' me all in one go…"

The words slipped out instinctively despite Anti never having dealt with a praise kink before. He was used to demeaning his partners, degrading them, taunting them with names that they were ashamed to admit they liked to be called. But he just couldn't _do_ that to Dark. He wasn't worried about offending him, no- that wasn't the issue here. It was that when he looked down, he didn't see the face of someone who was just using him for a good time.

He saw a man that perplexed him to no end. A man that claimed he loved him, a man that hadn't done anything like this in decades, _waiting_ for the right moment… A man that had given Anti everything he could. He was _more _than a cheap whore, and Anti took pleasure in knowing that Dark was entirely aware of that fact. Who was he to taint that gesture with a word that couldn't describe Dark if it tried?

Damien might not have been a whore (anymore…?) but _fuck_, he'd missed it. He'd missed sucking cock, and it was a sentiment he could never express aloud for fear of judgment, but no words needed to be shared between them now. Anti could see it. Anti could _see _it, and he _loved_ it- and Damien had never felt so fulfilled.

They were long past the days where just one orgasm was enough. Even after so long spending their nights alone, the hungry feeling in their abdomens just couldn't leave them alone. They wanted more, _needed_ more- it didn't matter that the sheets were already soaked with cum, or that the musty smell of the room would only grow thicker with the passing of time.

_Fuck_ that. It wasn't important. It didn't _matter_.

Anti didn't dare stop fucking Dark's pretty mouth open, and Dark couldn't bear the idea of pulling away now. This was too good- too _special_… This was like nothing they'd ever felt before.

_This was better_.

"Tell me if it hurts too much, alright?"

"I'll be just fine, I can take this…"

Shivering despite himself, Damien's legs were hooked around Anti's waist as he lay against the small mound of pillows they'd piled lazily on the bed. Anti hadn't wanted him to hurt his back. Anti… _fuck_, was he something. Damien had never met someone who could shift from cocky and arrogant to sweet and careful in the span of a few moments, and it was appealing to _all_ of his niche desires. _Fuck_. He couldn't believe he'd been so _clueless_…

They could have been doing this sooner, if he'd just woken up to himself.

_How long will this last?_

Anti's teasing fingers were a little too much for Damien to bear, but he didn't dare complain- he felt them slipping inside, adjusting to the chill of the lube they'd hastily stolen from Wilford's room, not used to anything being colder than _him_. Saliva and blood could only help so much, and this was something both of them wanted to do properly. They owed that caution to themselves now- they weren't young and stupid anymore.

Well… alright, perhaps _stupid_ was up for debate.

But they had plenty of excitement to spare. They could waste a few moments on preparation. Though as Anti kissed him again, leaning over him just _so_, Damien knew it wasn't a waste of time at all.

He wouldn't trade this for anything, would he?

_Fuck_, he was sure it hadn't been _that_ big...

At first the appeal was absent, the pleasure was dulled- the pain far outweighed any instinctual need to proceed, but _fuck_, Damien's blood was pumping so many forgotten chemicals around his body that he couldn't even tell the difference. He begged Anti to go deeper, _faster_\- he locked his legs more tightly around his lover's waist and pulled at his hair, fingers practically trembling with starved anticipation.

_I need this._

_I need you._

_I love you._

Damien couldn't say it enough.

Anti wouldn't claim to have made love with someone before. The term wasn't interchangeable with sex, though sex was something Anti had _plenty _of experience with. But _this_? The high, the rush, the dangerously warm touch of someone who'd used to be deathly cold, burning against his skin…?

It was _breathtaking_.

He'd given up fairly quickly on being slow and careful. Dark wanted more? He wanted it rough? He wanted Anti to pound him so thoroughly into the mattress that he'd forget how to process the pain?

Those words had no business being so _fucking_ arousing.

His hips snapped forward.

_Fuck._

"I love you…" Damien sniffed, crying against Anti's chest. How had they ended up here? It wasn't the pain, no matter how Anti had tried to apologise for hurting him. It wasn't sadness, or tears of joy- he didn't know what was making him so choked up and bleary-eyed, but he knew that the comforting hug that his lover had wrapped him in felt nothing short of amazing. They'd shifted, sitting upright, Damien firmly planted in Anti's lap. His lips tasted of salt, though Anti couldn't tell if it was the tears or… well, whatever it was, he endured, because it looked like Dark needed the touch. So many states, so many changes…

Was this really the same Dark who'd met him in that storage closet earlier? Was it the same Dark that had flirted with him, the same Dark that had littered his body with kisses that tickled his scarred skin?

_Did it matter?_

"I'm s-sorry…" Dark fretted impossibly, wiping his eyes. "I just… I don't know what came over me, I… I needed that. I n-needed _you_… thank you…"

The chuckle that emanated from Anti's lips was dry, but not condescending. He couldn't find it in himself to judge Dark for something he couldn't control if he wanted to, _especially_ when he thought back to the times Dark had held him in a similar state.

"I've got ye, Dami…"

Damien sighed in half-embarrassment, half-fear…

"... Can we go back to fucking, now?"

"That's literally the least sexy thing that has ever left your mouth."

"I'm too tired to be sexy…" Damien mumbled, not wanting to move a muscle. "Just… will you lay me down and… fucking, _fuck_ me, Anti. _Please_…"

Anti couldn't recall a time where Dark had ever admitted to being weary. But then… he hadn't thought Dark was capable of dropping so many L-bombs in the span of five minutes, and that notion was well and truly abolished. He looked… tired. His cheeks were puffy, his breaths still hitching as the last of his hysteria faded away. He gazed pleadingly into Anti's eyes, and his fractured heart absolutely melted.

They took it slow.

Anti was serious about not wanting to hurt Dark any more than necessary, and Damien was starting to lose himself to the clutches of a sleep that had been decades-coming. When would he wake? Would he be able to sleep at all? Would he find himself trapped once more in the frozen purgatory of his mind, looking upon the body of his fallen sister for the first time since the night he'd lost her spirit?

When Anti rocked into him, Damien could forget all of that. He could focus instead on his lover's heavy breathing, Anti's heart as it beat so much _louder _than his own. He could feel the cold creeping in, a numb in his toes… he stifled the uncertainty with kisses until he was warm again. He needed to stay here, stay _warm_… he owed that to Anti, didn't he? He owed that to _himself_. He didn't want to be cold again.

He didn't want to be **Dark**.

_It's too late for that now, isn't it?_

Anti felt fucking _amazing_ under his touch.

_A thrilling distraction._

"I love you…"

_Maybe if you say it more, you'll remember to do it when this is over._

Damien didn't want to think about that.

_"Shit_, Dami…"

Collapsing, colliding, falling apart in each other's messy arms- neither of them remembered falling asleep after the high was over. There were bits and pieces of memory scattered around, though they could only explain so much. They'd curled up together, Anti kissing Dark's cheeks over and over, addicted to the happy sounds that emanated softly from his mouth. He was tired, so _tired_… Anti had felt him relax for the first time _ever_, watching as Dark fell asleep.

Anti didn't know how much longer he'd managed to stay awake afterwards. He was too far gone, too _blissed out_ to even care… he'd held Dark close to him all night, appreciating the little huffs and snores he'd never heard before, fighting weariness with all of his might. He hadn't wanted to miss a moment of this, when Dark might never sleep in front of him again.

But it had come and gone, and now Anti was left here, lying in a bed that positively _reeked_ of sex as he blinked his bleary eyes open. He'd expected to wake up alone. He'd worried himself endlessly with the thought that Dark would regret this, or shun him, or perhaps _worse- _bring him breakfast in bed and cozy up to him like they were boyfriends now.

Were they?

Anti _hadn't _woken up alone. But with the way Dark was sitting there, lost in thought, cool auras shuddering around him with the tell-tale crackling of uncertainty… he felt as though he might as well have. He nudged Dark's leg with his own beneath the sheets- it was cold. And Dark… he didn't respond. He was staring blankly ahead, eyes glassy with some emotion Anti couldn't place, and…

**"... Good morning, dear."**

Hesitant. Scared? Oh, _fuck_, he'd made it weird. He'd made it _weird_, and he only had himself to blame. How could he have thought Dark would be okay with this? How could he accept for even a moment that the experience had been anything but confusing and stupid and-?

"Stop." Dark pleaded, reaching to trail a hand across Anti's cheek. The movement seemed so… detached, and Anti couldn't help it. He tried to hold back the tears, he really did- why had this happened to him? Why did he think this would turn out _well_ for him?

His skin prickled and tingled with the need for a blade, and…

Dark scratched gently at Anti's forearm as if he'd sensed the anxiety gripping Anti's heart. His eyes were soft brown, staring into Anti's own- but the fire wasn't there anymore. The drive, the will to _try_… Anti couldn't see anything but sorrow there, now.

"Anti…" Dark muttered again, voice retaining fragmented echoes that had pieced themselves together again in the cold hours of the night. "_Please_… don't fret so insistently. You need not fear. Last night was no accident, and I want you to know that, but…"

The words hardly needed to be spoken, did they? It was common sense, wasn't it? Everyone knew not to let themselves be caught up in moments that would undoubtedly pass, and _this_ was nothing short of an anomaly.

"I knew it," Anti sighed, not meaning to sound so bitter, "I _knew_ you'd do this… I knew it was too fuckin' weird to be real…"

Anti had thought long and hard about Dark's words to him, spoken while they were caught up in a single moment of pure expression. That declaration of _love_… He'd told himself it was nothing. That he shouldn't dwell on it, or worry about it, or even bring it up- he didn't want to have to hear Dark take it back.

It had taken him hours, _long _after Dark had fallen asleep in his arms, to realise that Anti loved him too.

_What a fucking waste of worry… should've known. I'm a fucking moron, aren't I? Falling for the big strong demon with his fancy suits and his deep voice…_

But had he fallen for the demon, or had he fallen for someone else entirely?

_Damien…_

Anti didn't know whether he was even allowed to say that name anymore.

"What do you mean?" Dark asked him, seeming genuinely curious. His skin was cool to the touch, but all Anti could remember was the heated embrace they'd fallen into together, and _fuck_… he could cry. He could _cry_, and that was the worst part of this. He was weak. He was weak for Dark, and it would all be fucking _fine_ if Dark was weak for him too.

But Dark wasn't weak. Dark couldn't be weak.

It simply wasn't possible for him, anymore…

"I mean…" Anti started, hating how his voice caught on the lump in his throat. "I m-mean I _knew_ you'd act like nothing's f-fuckin' changed… like it was all some big mistake, and we should go back to being _friends_. We're not f-fuckin' _friends_, Dark, we… I fucked ye. I fucked ye, and you _liked_ it- you can't tell me that meant _nothing_ to you!"

The tears had welled up, spilling over his cheeks, marking his skin with fresh tracks of salty water. He _hated_ this. He shouldn't have let himself become so fucking _vulnerable_… Dark wasn't even trying to hurt him. Anti didn't want to imagine what it would be like if Dark revealed he'd been playing a game all along...

"I did." Dark acknowledged, nodding slightly. "I… still feel the remnants of it. It tingles in the most familiar way, and yet… oh, Anti, I'm _sorry_… You let me in, and I _ruined_ you. Your faith in something _more… _I wasn't the one. I c-can't…"

He suppressed a shudder, choking somewhat on his heavy words. "I don't want you to think it meant nothing, because I _loved_ every moment of it. The emotions I felt, for the first time in _decades_… they were real. I _felt_ them, and I _embraced_ them, and I… I loved you. I _did_. There wasn't a shadow of a doubt in my heart when I told you, and I want you to know that. I didn't lie to you. I _wouldn't_ lie to you… that is why I need to tell you now that I'm sorry I set your expectations so high. There is nothing I want more than to stay like that forever, but this _darkness_… it's persistent. It won't let me hold on for more than a few hours at a time, and just _barely_… I wish I could revoke my past, my _choices_. But what's done is done. I'm _sorry_, Anti… you deserve so much more than I can provide."

"_Shut up_…" Anti sniffed, wiping his face free of the tears. "Just… _stop_. Don't _do_ this… ye don't need to make excuses for me, I… I should've known it wasn't… should've known _better_…"

What was he even saying, anymore?

"I shouldn't have allowed myself to break…" Dark muttered apologetically in turn, fingers running so familiarly through Anti's hair. "It was unfair to you… but Anti, I know that deep down, I _do_ love you. It just… evidently takes some time to force that part of me to the surface. I… I _hate_ this. Being stuck on a feeling, _clinging_ to it, trying to live in one moment forever… all the while feeling it slipping away from me. The onset of numbness, and anger, and _hatred_\- it's pathetic. This isn't _winning_, this…"

Dark let out a strangled sigh, eyes leaking small tears onto his grey cheeks. "This isn't what she would have wanted for me… I've failed everyone I've ever held dear. I'm _despicable_, Anti- I don't know why you put up with me…"

"I put up with ye because I love ye, Dark."

The words slipped out before Anti could even hope to think them through- and then he felt his cheeks flush, his skin start to shiver… _fuck_. Was that a mistake?

_It wasn't a lie…_

"No- let me finish, Darky…" Anti sighed heavily, burying his face in Dark's cool chest when he'd opened his mouth to respond. "Just… let me _say _it, before I change my mind. I _love _ye. I… I know what it sounds like, but… I _felt_ like this last night. I just couldn't find the balls to _tell_ ye… an' I can still feel it now. I can feel what you're _doin' _to me… ye make me happy, Darky. Ye make me want to tear my goddamn hair out, but _fuck_, it's worth it. An' I didn't fall for ye because ye showed me that _one_ little piece of who ye really are. I… I fell before that. _Way_ before… I can't even tell ye how long I've had these feelings. But I have them for _you_. With all your arrogant and demeanin' bullshit, and your weird-ass voice, and the way ye can't fuckin' _admit _you're wrong..."

Anti felt himself shiver, but the cold didn't matter anymore. Did it? It was all coming out, now, and...

"I fell in love with the asshole ye are, and _damn right_ I'm proud of it." Anti mumbled softly. "I _like_ it when ye can't handle feelings. Means I don't gotta deal with 'em either, and I _like_ how cold ye are, 'cause it means I can bite back without feelin' like shit… Don't get me wrong, I… I _really_ like that other part of ye. With the smiles, and the heat, and the kisses… he's fuckin' amazing, Darky, but _you_ are _just _as good as him. I don't think I could handle ye if ye were so emotional all the time, but once in a while… it's nice."

Dark blinked worriedly at him. "But… Anti, I _know _you deserve better than that."

"Yeah, well…" Anti sighed, coming to something of a realisation. Dark would never think he was good enough, would he? Even the cocky son of a bitch in front of him struggled with self-doubt and loathing, trying to force Anti to stop praising him, and… no. _Fuck that._

He hadn't known before last night just how much he fucking _loved_ telling Dark how great he was. He wasn't going to trade the satisfaction of brightening Dark's day for some stupid witty insult they'd forget within minutes. He _liked_ making Dark smile. And… Dark liked making him smile, too.

"You deserve someone without scars, don't ye?"

"_Anti_-"

"Don't start." Anti warned him dangerously, not even sure how he'd ended up straddling Dark's stomach with their musty blanket tangled between them. "_Don't_ fucking start, it's the same shit. It's the _same_ bullshit, and I can't believe I didn't see it… You see these scars? I _hate _these things, with every fiber of my existence. I _despise_ them, and the choices I made to get them, and how I have to look at myself every day and _remember_ how much I fucked up… I can try to hide them, y'know? I can try, but I can't hide them from myself. I'm _stuck_ with 'em, and you tell me all the time that they're nothin' to be ashamed of, and I never _fuckin_' believe you."

"Yes, but-"

"And what's the _difference_, Darky?" Anti challenged him, gesturing to everything that Dark had listed as reasons to loathe him- his auras, his grayscale skin, his cold and lifeless body. "_Tell me_ ye don't regret this shit with every passin' moment of the day. Tell me you're proud of what ye did. Tell me it doesn't haunt ye like my scars haunt _me_."

Dark grunted out of frustration, though there was pain in his tone. "I embody these characteristics _purely_ because of my own ignorance and my _pathetic_ do-good attitude that distracted me from saving myself… It only serves to remind me that I need to be more _selfish_, Anti, that trait is hardly-"

"You always say my scars tell a story," Anti interceded, "but ye never talk about your _own _problems like that… I get it now. I hate myself, just as much as you hate _you_… but we love each other. For _some_ fuckin' reason, the shit we see as weak and pathetic on ourselves is beautiful on someone else. So, Darky… Ye like my stripes? They inspire ye? Make ye want to _kiss_ me all over, no matter what I think of 'em?"

"I-"

"I don't need to _hear_ it." Anti hissed, though there was no malice in his tone. "_Fuck_, Dark, I saw how happy it made ye to use that shit against me. Turn around my fuckin' worst quality and make it somethin' to _cherish_… I forgot they were even somethin' to be ashamed of when you were touchin' 'em. Didn't ye feel the same? Didn't ye feel like ye were just as wanted?"

"I… I did." Dark swallowed, not entirely sure how to handle Anti's sudden shift of mood. He'd gone from sad and spiteful to strong-willed and _determined_, but for what? To make Dark change his mind, and stop seeing himself in such a pathetic light? It was only what he deserved for letting himself fall prey to such a _stupid_ plot in the first place-

"That's 'cause I fuckin' _want_ ye," Anti repeated, staring deeply into Dark's eyes, "I don't give two _shits_ about how often this happens, or if it even happens again- I don't _need_ constant affection. I don't need ye to say ye love me, but I… I _do_ need you. I need ye to _stay_ for me, and I need ye to promise me ye won't leave. I _love_ how cold you are to my touch. I love how your eyes change colours, and your auras go crazy, and your voice starts soundin' wild when you're riled up. I love that ye can't fuckin' relate to a human conversation, because shit like that's _boring _to listen to. I love that ye feel empty inside, 'cause that means I can fill ye up all over again and watch ye come apart…"

Anti brushed their hands together, linking their fingers- a striped, scarred arm met its gray counterpart. Both damaged, certainly. Both terrible.

_Both healing._

"I love you, and all of that cold-hearted _shit _inside ye. It's what makes ye who ye are..."

Dark believed him when he said that. He _believed_ it- when had that changed? When had his heart started to stir once more, beating faintly in his chest? When had he pulled Anti closer, kissing him, taking apart his composure brick by brick- and when had it become so _normal_?

Damien shivered, cold heart gripped with the pain of endurance, as he smiled against Anti's lips.

"... and I love you too, dear. Stripes and all…"


End file.
